“(At a health and fitness fair) Though normally superconfident, I am not prepared for the judgmental stares of the ultrafit. They don't… — jen lancaster Fitness Copy Share Image
“This quick foray onto the toilet has been no different an endeavor than any other time I’ve used the restroom in my… — Jen Lancaster Adult life Copy Share Image
For the record? I have never been her baby. In fact, I reject the notion of coming out of her body. I… — Jen Lancaster Baby Copy Share Image
“When she gets rattled, the South really comes out. Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club membership because he said… — Jen Lancaster Culture Copy Share Image
No matter how happy anyone is with their choices, I believe it's human nature to wonder about the path not taken. — Jen Lancaster Believe Copy Share Image
“I have to pause the video while I corral the dogs in the other room. They howl in protest, and I tell… — Jen Lancaster Life Copy Share Image
Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS. — Jen Lancaster Might Copy Share Image
“Forgive the cliche, but friends are truly the family you choose.” — Jen Lancaster Family Copy Share Image
“You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finally weed out all the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile… — Jen Lancaster Copy Share Image
Were I forced to describe this woman in one word, that word would be...herpes. — Jen Lancaster Herpes Copy Share Image
Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack. — Jen Lancaster Cracks Copy Share Image
I don't mean to get all religious here, but I'm pretty sure key lime martinis (with a graham cracker & sugar rim)… — Jen Lancaster Crackers Copy Share Image
“I want to change my life...except I sort of like it. I mean, I couldn't be more delighted every Monday night after… — Jen Lancaster Disney channel Copy Share Image
Expressing political opinion can be a powerful way to establish a character's voice when writing fiction. — Jen Lancaster Character Copy Share Image
“You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to "bite you" and threatening to kick them… — Jen Lancaster Humor Copy Share Image
I’m instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that’s when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism.… — Jen Lancaster Ability Copy Share Image
I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will… — Jen Lancaster Clever Copy Share Image
I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light. — Jen Lancaster Humor Copy Share Image
I've always been able to cook Italian food. That's in my blood because I'm half Sicilian. — Jen Lancaster Able Copy Share Image
In real life, I tend to yell at people a lot. Not because I'm bossy or mean, but because I'm frustrated. — Jen Lancaster Bossy Copy Share Image
No, it's not a 'corpse thing.' I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning... — Jen Lancaster Capacity Copy Share Image
Although I get a lot of specialty services like wraps, scrubs, and mustache removal, my favorite is the simple manicure/pedicure. They work… — Jen Lancaster Chairs Copy Share Image
“If you're in the midst of a midlife crisis, you could buy a convertible, have an affair, or upgrade your cup size.… — Jen Lancaster Life Copy Share Image
