“I use a roll of paper towels like a conveyer belt of dryness.” — Jarod Kintz Paper towels Copy Share Image
“I clench your love in my butt cheeks, along with all my hard-earned cash.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A rubber band is attached to a lever. Pull on the lever to increase the tension in the room.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m underwater on my mortgage. Thankfully, I live on a submarine.” — Jarod Kintz Submarine Copy Share Image
“With your fertile eggs, and my semen, we’d make a delicious omelet.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Some people say—not to my face, mind you—that I’m a cowardly son of a bitch. And that is simply not true. My… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A counterfeit is a knock off. A cat’s tail swiping a knickknack placed perilously close to the edge of a shelf is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I weigh more than I used to. I've been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some… — Jarod Kintz Fast food Copy Share Image
“Birthdays are like presidential elections. I don’t like them, but they still keep coming around every four years.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Give me a smelly hello, and a tasty goodbye. The two are connected, and without the first, you couldn’t enjoy the second.” — Jarod Kintz Goodbye Copy Share Image
“If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover Mt. Rushmore. But if you rush more, you’re going to rip the blanket in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On the card I wrote, “Thinking of you,” and the picture was of my erect penis. I hope my local congressman got… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a response when the cops ask you if you murdered your mother-in-law. Forget yes or no.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love pan pizza. I love pans. I love Peter Pan. I love Peter, but not as much as I love Paul.… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“At first, the drudgery of mastering your craft is a prison—boring, slow, and with an awareness of how much time you’ll have… — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a blanket, and a blanket could be used as a brick, but not very well and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Instead of making trash cans cylinder shaped, they should make the mold look more like a person, to help with that ever… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If one unlabeled bottle holds nonfat milk, what does the second unlabeled bottle contain? If you answered “Whole milk” then you’re obviously… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. We made elevator music history until Marvin got his oboe… — Jarod Kintz History Copy Share Image
“I am prophetic. I predicted it would snow tomorrow yesterday, and sure enough today it snowed. True, I’ve been saying it will… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The house is a normal-sized house, but once you step foot in the door, you are confronted with “The Dome.” Perfectly round,… — Jarod Kintz Dome Copy Share Image
“Her name was Rebecca. Or at least that’s what her nametag said. She was making my coffee at Starbucks as I admired… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, "You can't own a… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“She made amazing artwork. While I focused on the absurd, trying to make the strangest juxtapositions possible, her work was delicate and… — Jarod Kintz Artwork Copy Share Image
“God, the devil, and Orafoura were walking along a river one day when they came across three naked women splashing in the… — Jarod Kintz God Copy Share Image
“Dear Miss Hummingbird, The leaves are turning green now, but not with envy. But they should be envious, because I, Jarod Ora… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s like my grandpa always used to say, ‘A butter knife would make a deadlier weapon than a melting stick of butter.’”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Because even among contrarians, I’m a contrarian. But all of this is just words of bronze, third place rhetoric. What do I… — Jarod Kintz Contrarian Copy Share Image
