“I say we cut our government in half, with a chainsaw along their waists.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dream headline from Orafouraville Times: Man Let Go By Employer, Falls To Death” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.” — Jarod Kintz Trees Copy Share Image
“She wanted to know if I loved her, so I texted her a picture of a dead bird.” — Jarod Kintz Bird Copy Share Image
“Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanilla.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Susan B. Anthony. Also, Susan be Anthony, now that she had a sex change.” — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“After our date, I spent about an hour trying to get in her pants before finally giving up. Her pocket was just… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You know what show I thought was a riot? Live coverage of Egyptians overthrowing their government.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I punched him 14 times in the face, and he didn’t even try to hit me back. He wasn’t a pacifist, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made love to a woman on a boat once. It was still on the showroom floor, but the way I rocked… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My life has been going downhill ever since I stopped pedaling on my bicycle. But I suppose that’s a good thing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you want me to have sex with you, I’ll have sex with you. If you want me to love you, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a medallion on the end of a necklace, much like human testicles aren’t used. It’s a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I met a man who had eleven sons, the first thing I’d ask is, Are they all yours? And of course… — Jarod Kintz Football Copy Share Image
The problem with Marxism is the proletariat isnt going to rise up against capitalism and consumerism. The only time theyll rise up… — Jarod Kintz Capitalism Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you where you were an economic hero. So is the real life you like the dream you?… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I don’t have a tan because I only come out at night. The only sun I get is reflected off the moon.… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I want to share my thoughts with you. Press your forehead firmly against mine, and let my mind transfer to yours. You… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Of all the smiths from goldsmiths to John Smiths, the most powerful is the wordsmith, because he can influence your emotions and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The whole world is dying. Just too slowly and naturally for my liking. Somebody should poison the food by genetically modifying it… — Jarod Kintz Whole world Copy Share Image
“In a recent Gallup poll conducted in France while riding a horse, two out of three sweaty Frenchman (there were only three… — Jarod Kintz Louis Xvi Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You told me you circled three words in three books scattered in the Library of Alexandria,… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Some people create war and misery, some create wealth and money, and some create ideas and art. But we all create our… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket walk into a bar, and the bartender turns and says, “What can I get you started with?”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This book is destined to make waves no matter which ocean you throw it into. This is the first book Jarod's put… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Mrs. Indianapolis was in town again. She looked like a can of Sprite in her green and yellow outfit. She always likes… — Jarod Kintz Front desk Copy Share Image
“I want to write the world’s worst cookbook, which I’ll title: “The World’s Worst Cookbook.” It’ll feature recipes from “Peanut Butter and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were crying, and your tears were so salty I decided to collect your sadness to… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
