“I’d love to be a color commentator, but I can’t, because I’m white, and white isn’t a color.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I say he has room to grow, but the bride in the canoe might say, “Groom to row.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“If you want to find dirt on me, wait until after I’m dead and buried.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If zombies eat brains, then they’d love me, because who doesn’t like a buffet?” — Jarod Kintz Zombie Copy Share Image
“I’ll write the time on my wrist, and I’ll cover it up by wearing a watch.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A crime scene is a silent witness that speaks louder and clearer than any human. Just ask Helen Keller.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your cooking reminds me of a Special Olympics race. Reminds me of the time I came in third place. I should have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used for selfish reasons. I would list those reasons, but they’re mine—all of them. Mine, mine, mine, mine,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had to quit my taxi cab driving job because I had no way to get to work. The problem was I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I used to have for her. Now all I’m left with is… — Jarod Kintz Hot sauce Copy Share Image
“I didn’t mean to drown him. But the soup was right there, and he was just a spoon. He wasn’t just a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I sit for hours just thinking, wondering what the man upstairs is trying to tell me. Yesterday I reached the conclusion… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ducks are practically defenseless, and as a result, they have many predators. There are foxes, coyotes, wolves, raccoons, bobcats, hawks, and Janet… — Jarod Kintz Coyotes Copy Share Image
“I don’t understand people who eat Chinese food with chopsticks when the restaurant also offers silverware. As a tool, chopsticks are inferior… — Jarod Kintz Chinese food Copy Share Image
“If I were stranded in the woods with nothing to eat but nuts, berries, and the complete works of Allen Ginsberg, I’d… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Thomas Jefferson is by far the smartest president,” said Thomas Jefferson, about Thomas Jefferson, and to Thomas Jefferson. Even though he was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love isn’t measured in feet and miles, it’s measured in hands and hands on. (Yesterday at 3:33 pm I spoke to the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Put the number seven in front of a mirror and what do you have? If you answered 77, then perhaps you talk… — Jarod Kintz Mathematics Copy Share Image
“To not feel like such a “third wheel,” I rode my tricycle to the restaurant where they were having their first date.… — Jarod Kintz First date Copy Share Image
“As an animal lover, I don’t like zoos. I feel the only creatures that should be caged behind bars are politicians, lobbyists,… — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“The moveless man moves along like the mist. The mist doesn’t hide, but all things are hidden in it—including the fog. Love… — Jarod Kintz Mist Copy Share Image
“If my love for cats were hydrogen, there’d be enough of it to give you skin cancer if you didn’t wear suntan… — Jarod Kintz Animal shelter Copy Share Image
“I am excited to report that I may have gotten a job as an elevator attendant. It's a three-flight elevator, and my… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I didn’t write this piece to attract a potential mate, as the title might lead a reader to believe. That said, I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The owner of The Mandrake Hotel and Resort is a man called Rot, a billionaire like Bill Gates, only nerdier. Rot Kugelschreiber… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The neon orange orb sat low in the sky, slowly breaking free of the horizon like the waking memory of a dream.… — Jarod Kintz Bubble bath Copy Share Image
“Nobody’s going to notice what’s not there, unless something was there and now is not. But if it wasn’t there all along,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could only read the word because of the discoloration on the wall from the accumulation of grime over time around the… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I don’t know why she broke up with me. I was always there when she needed me. Well, aside for about 3/4ths… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
