“I want to invent a What does it do? machine. “What does it do?” you’re probably wondering. Well, I’ll tell you. What… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“I want to do something so hard so easily, and I want to do it with no hands. Only gloves. Love will… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Then he cocked his head to the side, arched his left eyebrow like a drawbridge, and said, “I am you in the… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wear loud clothes. They aren’t bright colors, but I do have speakers sewn into my shirts. What can I say, I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Bright colors Copy Share Image
“The thing that has impacted life on earth the most is life on mars. That’s where the government is storing all my… — Jarod Kintz Earth life Copy Share Image
“It’s better to err on the side of more, than less, except if you’re talking about killing people with the last name… — Jarod Kintz Killing Copy Share Image
“Personal branding is important to me as a person. It’s also important to me as a non-person. I am a rock.” — Jarod Kintz Branding Copy Share Image
“It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of… — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“I walk everywhere wearing orange pants, an orange vest, and a yellow bicycle helmet with a bumper supporting a political candidate I… — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“Just because I murdered a man—my boss—doesn’t mean I deserve to be fired. In fact, as I see it and saw it,… — Jarod Kintz Boss Copy Share Image
“This is what I believe to be the progress of a writer. You write 10 things, of which one of them will… — Jarod Kintz Growth Copy Share Image
“I collect collectivisms. I’ve already got socialism and communism, and all I need is fascism to complete the set. I’m looking to… — Jarod Kintz Uncle sam Copy Share Image
“Orafoura, The Mythical Mr. Boo, and Love made flesh walk into a bar, and the bartender asks, “What’ll it be, fellas?” Orafoura… — Jarod Kintz Hate and love Copy Share Image
“A guy I grew up with recently died. I attended his funeral, but only because I thought there’d be free food afterwards.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s very hard to whisper in your own ear. Love is an art, but as an artist, I guess I’m no Van… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket are going to help me conquer the world. Just give me an army at my disposal, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am greedy with water. I made your apology tea dry. I’m sorry. You might try snorting it out of the bag.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to kidnap kids and force them to take useless tests all day long. Wait, that’s what our public education system… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“Yes, ma’am, I will take seconds. Your dinner tastes like excrement. I scream, you scream, we all scream for excrement.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I worked with a sketch artist, but I was driving fast when I saw the suspect, so the drawing came out blurry.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used for job security, like an employment paperweight. Hey, in this economic depression, I’ll take anything I can… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you put a long-haired wig on and ask nicely, I might sit on your back and ride you like a horse.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The moon looked like melted mozzarella to my bleary and blurry vision. Was I tired, intoxicated, or in love? Or was I… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I’m so smart that I make everyone around me smarter. I do this by being dumber than everybody. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Danger is the most dangerous word, because it encompasses all the dangerous words like gun, killer, etc.” — Jarod Kintz Danger Copy Share Image
“There’s nobody worth talking about, so let’s not talk about it. Only let’s do it anyway. I’ll make it up and then… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wouldn’t want to work in a nursery, because I can’t deal with children. Or bees. Can I offer you some tea,… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“Whenever I schedule an appointment, my general rule of thumb is, tomorrow is better than yesterday.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll steal bodies, not to be Corporal Corpse, but to have access to a never-ending supply of laughter still left over in… — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“I’m willing to die for my beliefs, but over the course of a lifetime and not all at once right now.” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“My advice is to just ignore the problem until you’re dead. This could be the quickest solution of your life.” — Jarod Kintz Advice Copy Share Image
“We agreed to meet at 4. I meant AM and she meant PM, so we both just stood around thinking we’d been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just broke up with my girlfriend. My wife will be pleased. But first she’ll be displeased, because she didn’t know I… — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“My girlfriend has two aliases. Clones aside, it’s the only time I’ve ever felt like I was cheating on one person with… — Jarod Kintz Cheating Copy Share Image
“I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The proper response to “I love you” is never “what, when, where, why, and how,” no matter how sincerely you say it.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I have a recognition dance, to acknowledge that I heard and understood you. So when Savannah says she loves me, and I… — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“Schrödinger’s cat was a Siamese cat, must have been, because if it’s at once alive and dead, it’s a zombie, and the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
