“I’ll keep you in my heart forever, just so long as you don’t clog up my arteries. Just so you know, my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The crawl is the perfect word to describe how slow swimming is—even though it’s the fastest of the four strokes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I told her she should come back to my place because it’d just won sixth place in the Living Room Olympics, and… — Jarod Kintz Living room Copy Share Image
“People say the sun is too bright. I say the sun is too silent. And that’s saying something, considering I’m a Helen… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha… — Jarod Kintz Space Copy Share Image
“Just by looking at a picture, I can tell a lot about a person. Right off the bat, I can tell if… — Jarod Kintz Batman Copy Share Image
“I don’t like breakfast—I prefer fixslow. I eat it like I devour your love, and it may take time, but we can… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to travel to exotic places. Just close your eyes and see for yourself. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I carry a door with me wherever I go, because one, it’s symbolic for the opportunities that’ll open up for me, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don't let my spaghetti dangle, or twirl it around my fork. I cut it. Of course, my preferred slicing utensil is… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“The phrase “The cat’s out of the bag” tells that a secret’s been exposed to the world. But who put the secret,… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“You vote Democrat even if you vote Republican, because they’re two sides of the same coin. So stop flipping that coin. The… — Jarod Kintz Democrat Copy Share Image
“At first I was excited to go, because I thought I’d been invited to a net twerking event. Imagine how surprised everyone… — Jarod Kintz Networking Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as the perfect response in one particular situation. Next time someone says, “I love you,” say nothing.… — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“If a man is powerful, then his rival must therefore also be powerful. The other’s prestige enhances your own. So choose your… — Jarod Kintz Immaculate conception Copy Share Image
“On a map on my wall I relocated my family to Orafouraville, which is the capital of Kintzylvania, which is in the… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“American civilization isn’t advancing as fast as our military is. The only problem is we should be retreating.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as 1,2, and 4. But not 3. No, 3 is too holy for a brick. 3 is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She was very close to my heart. Even though we were separated by a distance of 400 years, I was lying on… — Jarod Kintz Close to my heart Copy Share Image
“The best date I’ve ever been on was March 5th, 1982, the year I was born. For as long as I live,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I work in a hotel. I know what you’re probably thinking, and no, I am not a hooker. Not unless you’re not… — Jarod Kintz Hotel Copy Share Image
“Politics is scripted for maximum shock that will lead to gossip and speculation. We are living in a sketch comedy zone. Everything… — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“If you're looking to take a long, beautiful drive through life, you might not want to take the cynic view.” — Jarod Kintz Cynic Copy Share Image
“I always say “I couldn’t agree more,” even if I wholeheartedly disagree, because whether I completely agree or completely disagree, I couldn’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Amnesia is not the only time you’ll forget who you are. It’ll also happen the first time you see your own clone.” — Jarod Kintz Amnesia Copy Share Image
“When I write I am an avocado, and in a team sport setting, I am guacamole. And not to sour cream on… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Mounting anything on a plaque instantly transforms it from trash into an award. For example, a dry disposable pen goes from junk… — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“For me, TV and broke go together. Not as in, The TV is broken, but more of noticing that most people who… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I killed a flea this morning. I may have been a bit overzealous, because I accidentally killed the cat too.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Greek 201 is always easier than Greek 101, because at first it’s all Greek to you, and later the material is still… — Jarod Kintz Latin Copy Share Image
“I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not into redundancy, and you’re already… — Jarod Kintz Redundancy Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to aid a sinner’s nightly prayer. I’m not shaking because I’m cold—I’m trembling with trepidation over the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My lawn has brown spots. They’re not dead patches, they’re piles of poop. When you walk on the grass, try not to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The military told me I had no depth perception. “What do you mean?” I asked. “I can see you’re all shallow mercenaries.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The great news is I drive like a woman. The bad news is that it’s only when I’m wearing a dress.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best way to dig yourself out of a hole, is with a dead guy’s fingernails. Then, once you’re out of the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A cop is closer to a garbage man than he is to a lawyer. The cop isn’t in the middle of the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could help me tell you I love you. Well, it could if I did, but I don’t, so I’ll just… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My dreams and ambitions kept me company on the way there, and despair and regret were passengers on my return trip. I… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“If you sound like shit, you sound like smell—which is crazy because smell looks like blindness, with a mustache.” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
