“On Halloween I like to scare up business the old fashioned way: with flyers, business cards, and electroshock therapy while wearing spooky… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“My penis, when inflated, does not qualify as a flotation device, no matter how much it tastes like the navy.” — Jarod Kintz Inflated Copy Share Image
“I wouldn't mind showering in the rain, if there weren't so many naked men holding umbrellas standing behind me. Who invited Congress?” — Jarod Kintz Congress Copy Share Image
“Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“Dear 30 years old, why are you stalking me? Please leave me alone or I’ll be forced to alert the authorities.” — Jarod Kintz Stalking Copy Share Image
“Don’t be surprised if I try to stab you with a club sandwich sword. I will defend your right to free speech… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I have a pet frog. He sleeps in a king-sized bed, just in case he happens to be an undercover prince.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Excuse me, madam, but may I rub my erection up against your buttocks, because I mistakenly took Viagra thinking it was Vitamin… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most employees are like interchangeable machine parts. When they show up to work, there is no trace of the person they replaced,… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“After dinner I wanted to talk to her about buying a clone. But that’s probably just too much for her to handle,… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“If love tasted like pork, and you were allergic to Francis Bacon, could I be your Shakespeare? We could make love on… — Jarod Kintz Bacon Copy Share Image
“When all the birds and all the fish join forces, the politicians will be forced to chew on and swallow their own… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a shark, because… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s asshole to my top lip and then all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dear Natalie, In a recent study conducted by jarodkintz.com, nine out of ten people were more likely to say yes when the… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“Tonight when she came down to the front desk she was wearing neon green hot pants and a pink leopard print jacket.… — Jarod Kintz Front desk Copy Share Image
“She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My bed’s comforter is yellow. It has to be to hide all the melted butter stains. I make love like microwave popcorn—only… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Rain, it always reminds me of water. And you know how much I love things that remind me of other things. Say,… — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“When I hear a politician has died in a car accident, I think, “How tragic! Even if the car suffered only a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There is safety in numbers. And science. Clone your way to being safe. Nobody can protect you like you. And you and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I’ll never see again. Keep it wrapped tight, because every… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket, as the epitome of warmth, could be used to stop colds. Also, sex with me might be the surest way… — Jarod Kintz Warmth Copy Share Image
“I saw two statues talking to each other. I didn’t hear what they were saying, perhaps because they were whispering.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Give yourself a hug, and while you are embracing yourself, use that time to hold yourself together.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll give you a glass of wine, if you give me a few drops of water from your eyes. I’m thirsty for… — Jarod Kintz Sadness Copy Share Image
“If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this… — Jarod Kintz Lovers Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to crush the dreams of the little guy. Especially if that little guy’s dreams are roach like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went in the dark room. It wasn’t filled with photograph negatives, but it was filled with nighttime.” — Jarod Kintz Dark Copy Share Image
“I want to write a song called “Two Straws and a Spoon,” about one man being cuckolded by a milkshake.” — Jarod Kintz Milkshake Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to bring it up, but you do live on the top floor and the elevator’s broken. So that’s why… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish I could climb the corporate ladder like I could climb a tree, but I can’t, because I’m afraid of heights.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like a half an hour minus 27 minutes. If you’re as bad in bed as I am in math,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll insist my competitor is the greatest, so that when I beat him, I won’t be calling myself the greatest—I’ll be proving… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I bought two items to get a third free, and then I returned the two. I should be Shopper of the Year” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be utilized to teach the danger of procrastination. Ignoring the brick and pretending everything will work itself out is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My father taught me the most important thing about wisdom—that I was going to have to acquire it from other people. So… — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“I think homeless people, like rainwater, are better off in street gutters, rather than just hanging out on my roof.” — Jarod Kintz Homeless Copy Share Image
“Out of all the guys she could love, I am two of them. But she chose my clone over me and that… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I fell in love with a beautiful girl, got her pregnant, and then I got married. I wonder whatever happened to that… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
