“Is my conversation putting you to sleep, or is the rufie I slipped in your dog food finally starting to kick in?” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay next time, I promise.” — Jarod Kintz Next time Copy Share Image
“I thought I did, but I guess I didn’t. But I did think I did, and it’s the thought that counts, right?” — Jarod Kintz Thinking Copy Share Image
“I dreamt it in my dream. You tried to steal my dream—the whole thing. But even though it was a dream, it… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“When I meet a European, the first thing I say is, “I’d much rather watch football than football.” But I’m just teasing… — Jarod Kintz European Copy Share Image
“I submitted a poem last night to The New Yorker. They said it can take up to three months to hear back.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In a dream, in her head means in my head, as I have unrestricted access to her thoughts and the innermost parts… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“To forgive is Godly. To begrudge is manly. I don’t even have any chest hair, so you know where I stand.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Five sicks people in the hospital (56). I made each one a “Get well soon” card saying I was sorry for coughing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You had just died, and I was debating putting your body into either a coffin or… — Jarod Kintz Ashtray Copy Share Image
“Her shoes were so pink that if she stepped in bubblegum, nobody would be able to see. And my shoes were so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Eleven levitating leviathans couldn’t spell seven if you spotted them the Even and the S. They also couldn’t spell leopard if you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My elementary school principal, Prince Apple, had no principles. I know, because he offered to give me candy once, in exchange for… — Jarod Kintz Candy Copy Share Image
“A brick could be dropped at the feet of your enemy, as a gift, as an insult, as a way of saying… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He’ll think I’ll do it, he’ll act like I’ll do it, and so I will do it. But if he will think… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be bunched up and used as a seat cushion. But I’d rather cut off your buttocks and use that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to make a splash in the world, and I want to make one with my dry wit. My dry wit… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I’m asleep I’m a politician, and when I’m awake I’m a criminal. Throughout the day and night, my mentality never changes.” — Jarod Kintz Day and night Copy Share Image
“Compact trash into a cube. Then slice it into thin layers and BOOM—you’ve got pieces of modern art. Each sliver belongs in… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I’m covered in fish hair! I have a dwarf shaped like a suitcase that I carry everywhere. Women tell me I love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With the economic depression and unemployment at record levels, at least I have an excuse to be a bum. I can blame… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to measure the speed of gravity, but an apple offers a tastier option. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dream nonsense: Character: Hey, how are you? Me: I’m tired. I mean, this is a dream, so I must be, right?” — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“Thor’s the kind of guy who has a closet full of tailored suits and colorful ties, yet never leaves the house and… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“My OCD governs my actions like a governor, but I didn’t vote for it. No, I voted for Dora J. Arod.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My name is Two Dogs Wink While Chewing. It’s not an Indian name, nor one that reflects my cat-loving nature.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Hard work sends your opponent a message. It says you’re not talented enough to win on intrinsic merit alone. I sent my… — Jarod Kintz Message Copy Share Image
“The Federal Reserve was created after a 1913 meeting in Jekyll Island, Ga that was so secret it wasn’t discovered until Orafoura… — Jarod Kintz Customer Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as an inherently destructive force, if you can just get past the brick stage. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You’re disoriented. You’re in the future. You just woke up. You’ve been asleep for eight hours. ” — Jarod Kintz Asleep Copy Share Image
“My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it. ” — Jarod Kintz Breath Copy Share Image
“If my name were Isaac Newton, would I be a famous no name? I’d have worldwide and historical name recognition, yet I’d… — Jarod Kintz Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someone would take all of mine and hide them… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I like watching people stretch in the park. It's my new favorite pastime since I bought a portable rack.” — Jarod Kintz Park Copy Share Image
“You make me sick. I think I’ll have to call out of work on your account. Or have that account closed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around, I’d get… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Science, where would scientists be without it? They’d probably still be in my basement, where I left them a few minutes ago.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Large metal objects moving at high speeds have such an impact on me that I just get paralyzed. Honk if you’re horny,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the sort of guy who will accept blame, if it means being singled out as honest and honorable, and there’s a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
