“One day I want to be so wealthy I can say to my wife, “let’s take a drive—to the end of our… — Jarod Kintz Drive Copy Share Image
Im bilingual, speaking English and body language. I prefer the latter, because I can speak it silently and without listening and while… — Jarod Kintz Bilingual Copy Share Image
“I can throw an orange like a baseball, but I can’t eat a baseball like an orange. Let that be a life… — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“Thinking ahead is like remembering the future. How about that time we made love? I’ll bet it will be amazing.” — Jarod Kintz Future Copy Share Image
“I may give up on life one day, but that doesn’t mean my clones will just roll over and die. There are… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“I’m always amazed that my twin has the same birthday as me, and that he doesn’t exist. I wonder if I exist?” — Jarod Kintz Twin Copy Share Image
“I have nowhere to go and no way to get there. But at least I’m not hitchhiking, because my thumbs are too… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My new employer made me get a drug test, so I ripped off my shirt, flexed my muscles, and said, “You suspect… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m surprised there isn’t a jet airplane designed in the shape of a brick. Some people (aeronautical engineers) might say that’s because… — Jarod Kintz Plane Copy Share Image
“Three people are interviewing for a job. The first thinks his odds are 33.3 percent of landing the job. The second guy,… — Jarod Kintz Chance Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You owned a farm, and you grew teamwork, because yours was an ant farm. I was… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Working in the hotel business I have learned a lot about people. It’s amazing what you can discover about someone by watching… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage of people fornicating goes up, because sex is free. I… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
“I know that man started animal husbandry thousands of years ago, and I think it’s disgusting. Men and animals should never be… — Jarod Kintz Animals Copy Share Image
“If you’re looking for someone to stand in the unemployment line, I’m the man for the job. And if you’re looking for… — Jarod Kintz Looking for a man Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to foretell the future. Here’s my prediction: Tomorrow will happen. If I’m right, the brick was correct,… — Jarod Kintz Future Copy Share Image
“I want to be a part of your world. Or, if that’s too much to ask, I’d accept being a part of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have an itch. Wait, scratch that. That’s just a tickle that comes from being in love with someone who’s not in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like people watching. My favorite places are cemeteries. Tell your great grandpa I said hi next time you see him.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His voice is like 999 one-winged vultures, all flapping in unison, while 333 horned frogs croak in protest. My love must sound… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Wheelchairs won’t kill you. And cigarettes won’t paralyze you. Stick a wheelchair in your mouth and smoke it.” — Jarod Kintz Wheelchair Copy Share Image
“33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.” — Jarod Kintz Giving birth Copy Share Image
“If a woman says she got a bad haircut, and I agree with her, am I being agreeable, or an asshole?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Someone, probably Orafoura, once asked me what’s my favorite part of love, and my answer then, just like it is now, is… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I don’t like sleeping, but I do like watching the inside of my eyelids. That’s how I drive, and that’s how I… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will… — Jarod Kintz Average person Copy Share Image
“You want to tell me what this is? she asked as she gabbed my erection. “A miracle of science,” I replied.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She told me she loved me. Most men wouldn’t know how to respond, but I did. What else could I say but,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How can I clearly see what’s wrong with someone else, and then look at myself as though I’m standing in front of… — Jarod Kintz Mirror Copy Share Image
“My printer printed off blank pages. Is my printer out of ink, or do I just have nothing to say?” — Jarod Kintz Blank page Copy Share Image
“My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t need a hearing aid—I need a listening aid. And this aid, she’d better be pleasing to look at.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how old you are, and what size… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I have a spreadsheet of all the women I'd like to spread and sheet. Your mom is on my list. So is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to grow a tan and an accent, then dig it out of my garden and staple it to my naked… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to see cats tumble around, but I wish they wouldn’t meow so much when I shove them in the dryer.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used as words in the saying of a mason. When words and actions match up, you have a structure… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Doing autograph sessions all day is not what I signed up for. But that’s just all part of not being famous.” — Jarod Kintz Autograph Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
