“A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Who wants to be the unsung heroes of my voiceless choir quartet? We’re the Helen Kellers, and I’m holding auditions with oven… — Jarod Kintz Auditions Copy Share Image
“I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When bananas blush, they turn brown, not red. And when tomatoes blush, you’ve probably said something really naughty.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love doesn’t have form (aside from your naked body), but it does have a shape. The shape of love is circular, like… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My love has six sides, but it’s not a coffin. That’s just an optical illusion. Still, one day my love for you… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.” — Jarod Kintz Forgetting Copy Share Image
“To be a great writer, you must be nomadic. I’d recommend the hunter/gatherer lifestyle for anybody serious about being nonsensical.” — Jarod Kintz Nomadic Copy Share Image
“We’re different, you and I. I am a Rorschach Test, and you, you are a butterfly. No, wait, you are a bat.… — Jarod Kintz Galapagos islands Copy Share Image
“I thought she was older than she was, and I thought she was younger than she was. She looked older, but she… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My favorite time to network is now. Seriously, what are you doing this instant? Call all your friends and tell them you… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“My rural erection didn’t impress the people in town, but I did have all the dairy farmers lining up to try to… — Jarod Kintz Rural Copy Share Image
“I can’t talk you out of what your heart is set on. I just hope you set it on the shelf, next… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Don’t put the hat in hate and then wear it around with pride. Wear your love like socks for gloves, and let… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to not be used. Is my hair waving in the wind, or are your eyes twitching? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my name were Entist, I’d probably be a dentist. If my name were Dennis, I’d probably be into tennis. And if… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not in manufacturing, but I make something. I make a difference. But to be honest, I think China can make it… — Jarod Kintz China Copy Share Image
“You can read until you’re blue in the face, but I’d recommend writing until you’re red in the face. And ass.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I’m a patriotic pilot. I know how to fly a flag. Of course I don’t fly anything anymore, not after my boating… — Jarod Kintz Flag Copy Share Image
“They’ll know who the brains of the operation was when they see me smash my clone’s skull on the concrete.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had blonde hair like spaghetti noodles, and then she went and dyed it marinara. But I loved her like I enjoy… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“A door shaped like a vagina is more inviting. Sure, I’ll come in, but not slouched over. Allow me to straighten up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Obviousism—I would give you a definition, but the definition would only be an example of the word.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the… — Jarod Kintz Bad idea Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about having children is being able to point at them and proudly proclaim, "Hey, I made those.” — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“He was washing his socks. But they were already clean, so I figured I’d help him and wear them for him and… — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“A brick would make a great stocking stuffer at Christmas—especially if you chisel it out of the fireplace the stocking is hanging… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ball sack is like a bubblegum bubble, only with slightly less bubblegum flavor, and a little more fun to chew on.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If kids six and under eat free, then I’m an infant. Or at least infantile. Bring on the steaks.” — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I did something so stupid last night that I can’t even speak about it today. I took a vow of silence.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When it doesn’t matter to you, that’s where I’ll find the most matter. The pile of trash builds up just as fast… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I used pleading insanity as a threat, and now I employ it as a party favor. (The Communist party is the one… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“But I still have no cash flow. I need a job, or the gift of prophecy and a plane ticket to Las… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I gather wisdom like a net gathers fish. And the more fish I get in my net, the more I feel like… — Jarod Kintz Wisdom Copy Share Image
“She grew broccoli, and I grew dentures. We were perfect for each other. Our love disappeared into each other like a box… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
