“If there are two witnesses to a murder, you and the guy you killed, I’d say your secret is safe. I won’t… — Jarod Kintz Secret Copy Share Image
“Nipples—men have them, but don’t need them. Men—women have them, but don’t need them. Women—I don’t have them, but I need them.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think all toys should be invisible. Not only would they improve children’s imaginations, but they’d also be really affordable. In fact,… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to sell war to the peacemongers. The trick is to sell war cheap, because the real profit… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hoping you were the first to do something, and fearing you weren’t the first, won’t change the future by altering the past.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am terrified of heights, sharks, and spiders, so I am not into skydiving, surfing, or camping. I am the epitome of… — Jarod Kintz Cowardice Copy Share Image
“I must be a great leader because many people follow me. Most of the people are police officers, if that gives you… — Jarod Kintz Great leader Copy Share Image
“With gift giving, if it’s the thought that counts, then a picture of a Mercedes is just as good as an actual… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“The Mythical Mr. Boo has several eagle feathers, or “Freedom Feathers,” as he likes to call them, that he staples to his… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to swallow up the nightmares you used to have as a kid. Whatever happened to those bad… — Jarod Kintz Bad dream Copy Share Image
“Do they make chin straps with knives attached? If they do, I need one. You can never have too much safety—especially when… — Jarod Kintz Falling in love Copy Share Image
“I think I just inhaled a cloud shaped like the ghost of my grandpa, and all I have to say is grandma… — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I’m suddenly thirsty?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to spot the blind. I’d spot Helen Keller nine points in a ten-point basketball game. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A man with six fingers on one hand who gets his finger cutoff by the mafia probably doesn’t feel pain, fear, or… — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“My facial features smell as rugged as a rose looks. Isn’t my nose the most romantically smelling thing?” — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“I want to scrape earwax out of your ears like the last of the chunky peanut butter in a jar. I’d love… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“If you want to see how fast I run, just give me a football helmet and notice how my helmet collects bug… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be wrapped around people who’ve recently been electrocuted, because I’ll bet it’s really warm under those covers. I’ve always… — Jarod Kintz Marshmallows Copy Share Image
“The two spoons were stuck together. Not because they were sticky, but because they were stubborn and clingy and “in love.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The first two letters of her name were M and E and I thought, Yes! Finally, a name I can relate to.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Business idea: Merge a billiard table with a golf course, and make the pockets as deep as a typical politician's pants.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“If love were a faucet, I’d not only continue, but I’d increase the frequency with which I wash my penis in the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I can tell you what I wasn’t doing when I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to: I was doing what I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If science took my IQ and spread it evenly among the world's population, like mental mayonnaise, we'd have more art, less war,… — Jarod Kintz Science Copy Share Image
“Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“My grandpa never read the newspaper. Not because he was particularly optimistic, but because he was illiterate. He taught me to read… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I stood in the doorway pondering the difference between naked and nude, and the pizza delivery guy probably wondered if I was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Things I’ve learned the hard way: #1) When you’re making a door-to-door sales pitch, make sure your shorts aren’t so short that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To fly is to swim in the air, and a brick could be used as an as example to highlight man’s failure… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“If I had three magic wishes, I’d use the first wish for one more, to replace the one I just wasted wishing… — Jarod Kintz Wishing Copy Share Image
“I’m the best me I can be. I didn’t achieve this through hard work, but by murdering my over performing clones. ” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“She didn’t have the body of the supermodel. But that’s OK, because she didn’t have the face of one either.” — Jarod Kintz Supermodel Copy Share Image
“We are the wire, and tomorrow is like yesterday with a furry back. Don’t pet me, Tuesday! Please don’t Wednesday with my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were circular, like a yawn, and I were dynamic and geometric, like an isosceles triangle, would you take me to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’ve been writing for about eleven years. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years I hope to be… — Jarod Kintz Writer Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Though my skull is the size of a soup bowl, everything in the universe—and more—can fit inside my imagination. And guess what?… — Jarod Kintz Imagination Copy Share Image
