“I eat spaghetti with my fingers, because it reminds me of me running my fingers through her wet red hair. Ah, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For your birthday I’ll give you 100 copies of your least favorite author’s book, and they’ll all be autographed. Now, should I… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Dreamland, I couldn’t stay away, because I couldn’t stay awake. I traveled there in my sleep, at 65 miles per hour, while… — Jarod Kintz Sleep Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to communicate with the dead. I just spoke to Stalin, and he’s very pleased with the way… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Night—it’s the only thing that will cover up one of my black moods. Good thing my depression isn’t an every day kind… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
“I recorded the ding-dong sound that shoplifting sensors at the doors of Wal-Mart make. Now I just stand at the exit and… — Jarod Kintz Shoplifting Copy Share Image
“How many seconds does it take to win second? As many as it takes to win first—if you don’t use them properly.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The other day I tried to design a finish line, but I didn’t know where to start. So I just sat there… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not what you wear that sets you apart from your fellow man, but what you don’t wear. I don’t wear pants,… — Jarod Kintz Fellow man Copy Share Image
“I want to name one of my kids “I’ll-Have-A-Large-Cheeseburger.” That way, when I show up at McDonald's with my kids and the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drove 30 miles to buy some breath mints before I realized I had some already in my pocket. Then it took… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm a year older than 365 days ago, and I'm having trouble bending my knees and my lower back is killing me.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to liven up urinal chatter. Also, instead of just repeating “Yeah” while the guy peeing next to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My day starts like a regular guy’s. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Philadelphia, and punch raw slabs of meat.… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Look down and you may miss a shooting star in the sky. Look up and you may miss a starfish in the… — Jarod Kintz Astronomy Copy Share Image
“If birthdays fell from the sky like Saturdays shaped like saxophones, I’d learn how to play the flute on Tuesdays.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I like to hike in state parks, but one thing I can’t stand is pants. So I don’t wear any. My wallet… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The couch was green, so I felt comfortable wiping my boogers on it. I just wish it had been brown.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out some doors need to be pulled to be opened. I like to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My fur coat is still wet, not from the rain, but from where my cat was licking it. Well, my future fur… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Love should last a lifetime. But not the lifetime of a giant tortoise. More like the lifespan of a gastrotrich.” — Jarod Kintz Lifespan Copy Share Image
“I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Ask my mustache anything you want, and my mouth will answer for it. And after the question and answer session, my right… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“Fear is healthy. I wish it came in a pill. I'd bottle it up and sell it to little children and the… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I found a pristine lake, undisturbed by man. So, of course I had to clang a few pots and piss in the… — Jarod Kintz Lake Copy Share Image
“I had no idea he thought he was funny, tried to be funny, or actually is funny until he made me laugh… — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“If my clone weren’t dead, or rather not in nonexistence, he would have probably killed me by now.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I’m like a praying mantis, except not so devout. And I make love like a monk in meditation, which can often be… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If love had the texture of a turtle, and the taste of a rabbit, would you say we’re moving too fast in… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m in no position to criticize, because I’m in the fetal position, and I’m bound and gagged and stuffed in the trunk… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I may have a point, but that still leaves me two points shy of a three-point turn. But I'd rather be right… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could have thought up a lot of things, but many great people had to go and live before me. They might… — Jarod Kintz Great people Copy Share Image
“Some people read books on musicians, while I read music books. Not books on music, but literally books full of sheet music.… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend said she’d never cheat on me. Well, she did—with an accountant. Now I owe money to the IRS.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to show you how much I love you. Well, maybe not a whole brick, but certainly a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“My apartment complex isn’t. No, it’s simple. I used to think our love was simple, until Chris Hemsworth moved into your heart.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Time is fluid, like the wide sky that fades into bright orange in a sunset in The Ozarks. Every moment is meant… — Jarod Kintz Every moment Copy Share Image
