“Cats are the best. They don’t need haircuts, and they love to cuddle, unlike certain celebrities who’ve issued restraining orders against me.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Love is a good thing. Not starving to death is also a good thing. Being in love with a man named Mr.… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a thick bumper sticker. Then if you get in a crash, you can blame it on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is a wind farm a field full of talking politicians? If so, I wonder what they grow? Probably the national debt.” — Jarod Kintz Climate Copy Share Image
“Have you ever seen how fast ducks can waddle when chased? If I were to ever run a marathon, I'd model my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Thank goodness women aren’t as superficial as men. Where would a guy like me be if all women cared about were looks?… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have… — Jarod Kintz Spring Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket could be used to replace the words yes and no. But which is witch? You’ll have to… — Jarod Kintz Witch Copy Share Image
“I want to go to the Olympics. But I don’t want to train, so who’s going to buy me a ticket? I… — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“When I was a concierge, I didn’t want a guest’s gratitude. I wanted gratuity. A thank you and a warm smile are… — Jarod Kintz Gratitude Copy Share Image
“Those responsible for our economic depression have been found irresponsible. The irresponsible are responsible!” — Jarod Kintz Economic depression Copy Share Image
“Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it is? Nothing, if you’re a member of… — Jarod Kintz Congress Copy Share Image
“The truth is I did try to stab him. I tried to stab him with a butter knife. Why? Because it seemed… — Jarod Kintz Truth Copy Share Image
“There’s a pubic hair in my soup. I’m pissed, because I paid for many more to be sprinkled on top.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be a columnist for the New York Times, and could even win a Nobel Prize. And why not? Is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I couldn’t pay the prostitute, and that’s the truth. She could have asked my wife, who would have told her that I’m… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“Wine enhances your beauty by making others look at you differently. Well, so long as they are the ones drinking it. If… — Jarod Kintz Alcohol Copy Share Image
“Write your goals down on a sheet of paper. That way you can easily flip the page over and ignore them.” — Jarod Kintz Goals Copy Share Image
“When I golf, I use just enough strokes to create a masterpiece, like I'm a painter. The score I post up would… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I have just been elected Captain of the Nap Squad. It's a very exhausting position, and requires training twice a day, once… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could do more pull-ups with a midget on my back, than a midget could do with me on his back. This… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I swallow my own lies with big gulps, as if quickly chugging the chance of getting caught. No lie makes man thirstier… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A great band name would be Tickling Whiskers. Especially if the lead singer is a cat. I’d love to audition for backup… — Jarod Kintz Cat love Copy Share Image
“I would have fought the forest fire, but it was a dragon-breathing forest fire, and I forgot my sword, my pen, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover up your infidelity. Either use the blanket to hide your cheating ways, or figure out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Walk around with an open can of tuna in your pocket. You know, for a way to start conversations and offer strangers… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“Laying on top of me is better than laying on a bed, because a bed doesn’t give off rising heat, or supply… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I oft go to a loft aloft in the sky. I go alone, because I enjoy the company of a lofty intellect.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn’t mean one is good and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says,… — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I don’t care about being cool. I just want to be loved by half the world (100% of the female population).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Networking isn’t synonymous with partying. If you’re doing it right, partying seems libraryesque in comparison.” — Jarod Kintz Networking Copy Share Image
“I can draw like it’s nobody’s business. I use my door as a canvas, so don’t knock, because it’s nobody’s business.” — Jarod Kintz Artist Copy Share Image
“I’ll wipe a booger on your living room wall, not only to show I was there, but also to say thanks for… — Jarod Kintz Booger Copy Share Image
“The moment I laid eyes on her I knew she was somebody else, somebody I could love. And since somebody else never… — Jarod Kintz Fall in love Copy Share Image
“If the word "committee" were an acronym, the two "T"s would stand for time travel. How else can a group waste so… — Jarod Kintz Acronym Copy Share Image
“A shiny metallic fridge is like a mini skyscraper. And the guy in my fridge, he’s like the janitor of the skyscraper.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
