“An empty bag of chips would make a great sleeping bag, if it were larger. Or if I were smaller, thinner, tastier,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If somebody wanted me dead, I’d try to convince them to wait 25 years, for technology to arrive, so they can go… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best way to hide a body is to convert it to saltwater and then dump it in the ocean. But whatever… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Like a spy, I planted a bug. Like a farmer, I watched it grow into a politician that more than half the… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I would sacrifice my life to save two lives, provided those two people would sacrifice their lives to save four lives. In… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“On our first date, you should wear a maternity dress, because I’m going to try to impregnate you.” — Jarod Kintz First date Copy Share Image
“I used to be a bumper sticker kind of writer. Now I’m more developed, and my writing often takes up whole bumpers.… — Jarod Kintz Bumper sticker Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to grow your annual income by a factor of four. What, you don’t believe me? Are you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a four-time Pulitzer Prize winning admirer. I’m also a 16-time Olympic medalist observer (I saw Michael Phelps on TV).” — Jarod Kintz Olympics Copy Share Image
“With the interconnectedness of it all, the world is more fluid than ever. I blame it on the rain. Milli Vanilli was… — Jarod Kintz Interconnectedness Copy Share Image
“I could inject a brick in each of my butt cheeks and then be like ancient Greece: a ruin. Only, I’d ask… — Jarod Kintz Ancient greece Copy Share Image
“I should charge my bank money every time I endorse the back of a check. What is the going rate these days… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Most people take four years to get a degree. Not me. I’m twice as ambitious. It took me nearly eight years to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I found a note I wrote that said “Doctor’s Appointment Tomorrow.” Well, that note is wrong, because that appointment was yesterday.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just… — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“My favorite tree is the Joshua tree, which is named after me. Well, it will be, once I change my name to… — Jarod Kintz Trees Copy Share Image
“In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a beard on my chest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had two leaves for feat. Maple, I think. She was flat-footed and always ready to leave. That’s why I tried to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I had a Chinese girlfriend once who asked me how much she meant to me. I knew very little Chinese, so I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to replace a flat tire. After all, you want to replace like with like, and what’s more… — Jarod Kintz Tire Copy Share Image
“I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Keep your eyes open, especially if you’re wearing a blindfold while driving. Closing your eyes in that situation could be dangerous.” — Jarod Kintz Blindfold Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I feel like this. Sometimes I feel like that. I wish I could be more specific, but that’s how I feel—vague.” — Jarod Kintz Vague Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism. ” — Jarod Kintz American flag Copy Share Image
“The clouds blanketed the city, and the rain sounded like bricks hitting the roof. I hope my cat’s not still sleeping up… — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“Don’t be selfish and keep your thoughts locked in the cage called your skull. Free your mind, release your thoughts into the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If jellybeans came in a broader flavor base that included emotions too, I’d avoid the red ones, because they would taste like… — Jarod Kintz Rage Copy Share Image
“Brick and Blanket could be the names of two characters in a screenplay full of witty dialogue like: Brick: Hello! Blanket: Hi!… — Jarod Kintz Movie Copy Share Image
“People don’t know what I’ve gone through to get where I’m at—six tunnels and three metal detectors.” — Jarod Kintz Metal detectors Copy Share Image
“Well excuse me! How was I supposed to know that a pink baseball cap with a dildo glued on top isn’t a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a juxtaposition. And at the same time, I’m not. I’m always like this because I’m not always like this because… — Jarod Kintz Juxtaposition Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life is is, while death is isn’t. Isn’t that also what you believe? Or is it what you believe?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be lodged inside a home to provide comfort, stability, hope, change, and audacity. Oh gosh! Sorry about the last… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I collect sounds. I store most of them in my ears, but some, like the sneeze, I store in my nose. If… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The people need to know that the people need to know. And I’m just the man to let them know that they… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a… — Jarod Kintz Monster Copy Share Image
“What I thought was a black hole turned out to be nothing more than a splatter of ink on my tie. And… — Jarod Kintz Black hole Copy Share Image
“I want a piece of apple pie so large I could wedge a For Sale sign in it and make all the… — Jarod Kintz Apple pie Copy Share Image
“If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks”--only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Chopsticks Copy Share Image
