“I run like I have cirrus clouds for legs and rainbow knees. What is life, if not a marathon of love? ” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A brick has ten holes in two rows lining the center—perfect so that you and nine of your friends can each stick… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On a scale of 1 to extroverted, I’m a 3.14159. So is pi. I network like “the ratio of a circle's circumference… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What is the greatest mystery of the universe? The answer is brick. Or is it blanket? I forget which one.” — Jarod Kintz Physics Copy Share Image
“When I have children I want an even number of boys and girls, and that’s why I want 15 kids—7 boys, 7… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“The Nike swoosh logo would make an interesting mustache—on a man who runs his mouth all the time.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“Due to state laws, the restaurant was nonsmoking, which as a nonsmoker pleases me, but as a Libertarian it pisses me off. ” — Jarod Kintz Libertarian Copy Share Image
“The name’s David Davidson, and I am not my own son. I’m also not my own father, if you were wondering.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I reminded them of Orafoura’s shadow, I’d have a penny more… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to meet a woman named Sherry who only drinks brandy, and a woman named Brandy who only drinks sherry. Then… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love has a shape, but no color. You’re probably wondering, “If it’s transparent, how do you know what shape it is?” Good… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I met a man from Columbia who had a table for a back. I asked if it was a coffee table. He… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I was a kid, I’d leave my door cracked with a piece of lint on top, and if I came home… — Jarod Kintz False Accusations Copy Share Image
“Last week I placed a hand-written sign in front of my neighborhood that read, “Lost Mustache. Please do not feed. If found,… — Jarod Kintz Cat lady Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like a simile, and I’d like it. But not as much as I’d like it if you… — Jarod Kintz Simile Copy Share Image
“L and V, both angular. O and E, both vowels. Coupled together, like a couple of couples coupling and copulating, and you… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick is a mythical object that empowers its handler and enables them to conquer the world and control the globe through… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One of your siblings has got to be the dumbest. And if you’re an only child—you’re the dumb one.” — Jarod Kintz Brotherhood Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to sell your winningest product to your loserest customer. Oh, loserest is a word. I know, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“God gave man two ears and one penis hole for a reason. I’m not sure what that reason is, but I’m sure… — Jarod Kintz Reason Copy Share Image
“The doors magically opened without the assistance of modern electronic devices. Instead, they cleverly employed doormen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love for you is shaped like a left foot. And if you pulled my love out of your ass you’d know… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“In high school, I was on the carpentry team, but I got benched. It was awkward sitting on it while my teammates… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to hide my shame and cover my insecurities. But so could a camouflaged condom. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s times like these, in the middle of the night, that I wonder about the wisdom of nicknaming Florida “The Sunshine State.” — Jarod Kintz Florida Copy Share Image
“I want to invent a portable sink. It won’t be small, but it will be the size and shape of a car.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be analyzed in the lab, broken down into olfactory components, and repackaged as an air freshener that promises that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol showing you want to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Give me 10 pins and a hardwood lane, and I’ll bowl. Just as long as that bowl is full of spaghetti. I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want instant coffee at the snap of my fingers that gives me more energy than that generated by a million snaps.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“At Starbucks I like ordering a “Tall venti in a grande cup.” That’s basically me asking for a small large in a… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“She had amber-colored eyes. Or maybe they were blue, and I was confusing their color with her name, which was Amber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I’ll beat you with a ladder, so in my defense I can say, “I didn’t hit him! Look at those bruises. They… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help America make money. Trust me, this is smarter than letting a central bank like the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You get used to success and you start to expect it—and that’s when you fail. Luckily for me, I can’t possibly fail,… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“I can’t tell you how much I love @Gatorade. Wait, I’m sorry. I always get Gatorade and Windex mixed up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It’s tough because they’re slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The two lovers were inseparable. Well, I guess death could split them up. So could Ryan Gosling, because she has a thing… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
