“I packed my lunch with lots of meat. It was easy. I just wrapped my cock in tinfoil. I’m ready to work… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know great art when someone doesn’t wash their hands after making it. And not only did Duchamp not wash his hands,… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“When tragedy befalls me and someone says, "Better you than me," I always reply, "Yes, I am better than you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
There are an infinite number of reasons to say no. Instead, try to focus on one good reason to say yes. — Jarod Kintz Diplomat Copy Share Image
“She was a tall drink of water, and I was a glass half full kind of guy—half full of lust. Actually, my… — Jarod Kintz Glass half full Copy Share Image
“The only equality that exists on earth is time. We all have exactly 24 hours in a day. How we choose to… — Jarod Kintz Equality Copy Share Image
“I taught my kid brother sign language and then cut off all his fingers. He hasn’t spoken to me since.” — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by dinner I mean marry her.” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“Somebody knocked, and I’m glad it wasn’t her. I mean I want her to come, but I thought it was him, so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wrote half this book (the left half) while I was asleep, and I wrote the other half (the top half) while… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“However unfortunate you may feel, there are always those less fortunate than you. I’m not talking about the homeless—I’m talking about your… — Jarod Kintz Less fortunate Copy Share Image
“I like when wind works. But in this depression, does anything work? If it’s not unemployed, it’s broken. When I hear the… — Jarod Kintz Depression Copy Share Image
“I waste more time trying to save time than I would if I were merely inefficient. One woman told me I make… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If I were a robot, and I got cheated on with a vacuum cleaner, I’d question my cleanliness. I’d also wonder if… — Jarod Kintz Gold digger Copy Share Image
“My favorite unit of time is the hour, because I collect them and store as many as 10 new and unused ones… — Jarod Kintz Best time Copy Share Image
I can provide a witness who didn't see me at the scene of the crime. That witness can also prove they didn't… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her name is Today. I told her I’d call her tomorrow. That was yesterday. I’m confused about the time, but not about… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A book on war is useful, but it’d be even more useful if it could shoot bullets. Or stop them. Or stop… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I need a bone saw—for the meatloaf I made for you, which looks suspiciously like a brick. The gravy is a blanket. ” — Jarod Kintz Meatloaf Copy Share Image
“I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Elevators are supposed to smell like urine. That's what make the jazz playing through the overhead speakers sound more authentic.” — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“I laughed so hard I nearly spit out my hot tea. The strange part was the fact that I was drinking coffee… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“The human voice isn’t like water,” I shouted. “You can’t drown out somebody just by raising the level.” But it was useless.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“All I know is I don’t know if I know, and this everlasting oscillation shakes my belief system.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like watching baseball as much as my grandma’s left ear is loud. (She’d probably give her right ear for a left… — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“I invented underwear with only one leg hole, for people who like to concentrate on frozen orange juice while bungee jumping from… — Jarod Kintz Bungee jumping Copy Share Image
“If I were a parent, I would feel like nudity should not be on the back of any magazine. No, it should… — Jarod Kintz Nudity Copy Share Image
“Instead of a motorcycle, why not ride a custom-engineered unicorn? The unicorn could be genetically grown like corn.” — Jarod Kintz Unicorn Copy Share Image
“We had some good fun together, didn’t we? That’s why I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to kill you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To get a step up in the world, you could use a ladder, or you could use your connections. I prefer the… — Jarod Kintz Ladder Copy Share Image
“My last name should be “Why,” because it is my destiny to question everything, including how to change my last name to… — Jarod Kintz Destiny Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to help my career. Things have gone cold in this economic depression, so anything to help warm… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want eyebrows shaped like pinball swatters, and to accompany that I’ll get a Hindu dot on my forehead.” — Jarod Kintz Hinduism Copy Share Image
“I decided to eat my legal counsel, because at 200 bucks an hour it was either that or pay the man. And… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Stop a drunk driver and you stop a murderer—even if he hasn’t killed anyone yet. In all the alternate universes, the odds… — Jarod Kintz Motivation Copy Share Image
“What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner… — Jarod Kintz Average person Copy Share Image
“A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it’s everything a politician isn’t. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One word I’d use to describe space is lonely. The only way I’ll board a space shuttle is if I had a… — Jarod Kintz Lonely Copy Share Image
“Trying to define love is like trying to catch a ghost named Brita in a glass of purified water. It’s hard to… — Jarod Kintz Define love Copy Share Image
