“I’ve got a flesh-colored tattoo. I drew it myself. You should see it sometime, if only you could see it (it’s invisible).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am upset. I have reservations about dinner for two at 8:00. I have reservations about my reservations.” — Jarod Kintz Reservations Copy Share Image
“I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?" It's offensive. As if… — Jarod Kintz Grocery store Copy Share Image
“While you weren't looking, I flicked a booger in your soup. Just my way of saying thanks for dinner.” — Jarod Kintz Booger Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as bait for the vampire shark. Since nobody’s ever seen a vampire shark, let alone caught one,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am innocent! But only because the opportunity to partake in an activity that would render me guilty has not presented itself.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“-Do you see that? -Yeah, what is it? -That’s the truth. -How can you tell it’s the truth? -Because it’s ugly.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Instead of putting a Band Aid on your cut finger, why not just amputate at the elbow? See, I’m a problem solver.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My heart beats to the rhythm of the windshield wipers. I’d better never drive in the desert, unless I want to die.… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Two years ago I bought my brother’s slightly used iMac for five hundred bucks. Five hundred bucks! That’s the price of a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes a symbol holds more power than the thing it represents. Like the symbol for Thing, the one I created that is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the late afternoon sky, the moon had the smoky hue of the hazy horizon, and the matching clouds looked like faint… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To choose to chew, rather than converse with my fellow dinner guests, was the choice I made when I chose the chewiest… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My eyes are so close together that when I cross my eyes, my irises actually trade places. My skin is so craterous… — Jarod Kintz Eyes Copy Share Image
“The final few weeks in a town before you move always feel like vacation, like you’re observing and taking it all in,… — Jarod Kintz College degree Copy Share Image
“Awards represent achievement, and to an extent they show more about who you are as a person than the personal items you… — Jarod Kintz Accomplishment Copy Share Image
“The only nutritional sustenance I need is praise, flattery, and potassium in the form of bananas.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now.” — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“Most salesmen are no-nonsense guys. But I’m not like them. I’m the #1 nonsense salesman in all of Camelot.” — Jarod Kintz Camelot Copy Share Image
“Today is the one that introduces Yesterday to Tomorrow. If it weren't for Today, Nostalgia would never meet Hope.” — Jarod Kintz Hope Copy Share Image
“I want to put silencers on all guns. That way war will be nothing more than a whisper in the future. And… — Jarod Kintz Silence Copy Share Image
“I didn’t do it, because not doing seemed like the right thing to do. I’ll always love her in a way that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put the “now” in knowledge. Well, I will put it there, probably tomorrow or tomorrow’s tomorrow. ” — Jarod Kintz Knowledge Copy Share Image
“There are days when I just want to throw in the towel. Those are the difficult days, the days where I take… — Jarod Kintz Difficult days Copy Share Image
“Every time I eat an English muffin I feel like I become more grammatically correct, more refined, more cultured, and an all-around… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t have to tell you, “I don’t have to tell you” before telling you something I don’t have to tell you.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had breasts like deflated balloons, and nipples like the wrinkled and floppy part you put your mouth on to blow them… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Who I am is unimportant. But who I am is very important. I’ll suppress my ego now, every occurring now, so I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m productive. I make something. I make a difference in the world. But to be honest, China can make it cheaper. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To the potluck I brought something I randomly found in my fridge. It was the source of the stink.” — Jarod Kintz Potluck Copy Share Image
“A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman? ” — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“I am in possession of the love cannon. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but please don’t take this the wrong… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw her standing across the room, and I thought, “Wow! Who is that sexy woman she’s standing next to?” — Jarod Kintz Woman Copy Share Image
“Normally I charge 60 cents on the dollar for stolen merchandise. But since it was my mother-in-law, and I stole it from… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to dispel the very same lies that a blanket could be used to cover up. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cheyenne is shyin’ away from me. Why, Oming? I love you like a herd of buffalo that’s gone the way of what… — Jarod Kintz Cheyenne Copy Share Image
“I’d rather go into a competition as the underdog. Less pressure to perform, and more motivation.” — Jarod Kintz Competition Copy Share Image
“A blanket could represent change, and a brick represents consistency. Do you embrace the blanket, or the brick? ” — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“I read trash. Empty cereal boxes, empty shampoo bottles, the bottoms of empty Kleenex boxes, and occasionally even a mystical self-help book.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
