“Orafoura was yelling at his dog (not a German shepherd) in German, and I thought, “I didn’t realize dogs can speak German.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“Those who seek the Truth are logically in the dark. Therefore, if I aspire to be anything in the world, it's to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need to go to the grocery store because I’ve got nothing in my fridge but an old t-shirt, a pair of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d hate to be forced to drink my own vomit without throwing up, because what if they made me drink that too?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I went to a football game once and got punched in the face, but you couldnt tell because I was already sitting… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a period on a really large sentence. A blanket could be used as a really large… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind… — Jarod Kintz Fall in love Copy Share Image
“The early morning is too strong to drink straight, so I need to mix in a little coffee to be able to… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“A brick could used to translate and transform long cuneiform texts into shorter tweets. Sure, just take the brick and smash the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a gopher. If I see something I want, I go for it, Orafoura said . And I’m a shepherd. If I see… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d give up three days just to get three hours with the woman I love. Of course this instinct is the reason… — Jarod Kintz Investing Copy Share Image
“Losing a child must be the second most painful thing ever. The most painful thing would be to lose the child, find… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent no, and a blanket could be used to represent yes. If I ask you, “Will… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I tell people my name is “The Weather,” and that I understand how they don’t have anything else to talk about besides… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You have to slow down with this woman, because the moment she slows down and stops, she’ll die. She’s like a shark.”… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“My amazing feat features shoes (and feet)—it’s how far I’d walk for love. Guess how far? However far it is from the… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“Rain is a nudist’s shower, and I want a bathtub the size of a lake. Then we could make love like your… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My nostrils smell, but not to you. Oh, they have no odor, unless you count the scent of nostalgia, which is what… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have the Denver Omelet of accents. And considering I’m from Denver, it makes sense. Now if I also lived in Cheeseland… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to conceal. That’s why I recommend the current cast of political bedfellows running this country use one… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as an idol you can worship. But be careful, lest God smite thee with His wrath. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put a basketball hoop in the trees, to help the squirrels and give them a nice net to store their nuts… — Jarod Kintz Football Copy Share Image
“Every morning I think: What’s the latest I can sleep in ‘til, and still be on time for work? Well, I used… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He offered to pay me in agriculture, and I said I didn’t want that, I want money. I told him agriculture won’t… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I am the now of the then. My body is the embodiment of all my ancestors who came before me. They live… — Jarod Kintz Ancestors Copy Share Image
“I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying two months. (So I overslept… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It's sad to see old friends have to move away, but at the same time, you know the retirement home is the… — Jarod Kintz Old friends Copy Share Image
“I don’t know where you’re going, or even why you’re going, but I sure am glad that you are going. Be sure… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last year, millions of students didn’t graduate from high school. They didn’t drop out, they were simply in elementary and middle schools.” — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“Love is like Atlantis, OK? And I’m just a humble scuba diver searching for treasure that I can exchange for sexual favors.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.” — Jarod Kintz Constipated Copy Share Image
“I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.” — Jarod Kintz Boxing Copy Share Image
“One great thinker said one thing, another said another, and while the two thoughts are contradicting, the one that backs my argument… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve got hair in my mouth, because I replaced my teeth with my cat. This makes it more fun to pet my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bosses are like assholes—everybody’s got one. Well, everyone except the unemployed. But still, bosses are like assholes, in that they are assholes. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If all the centenarians formed their own country, they’d be both the youngest country in the world, and the oldest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Maybe I will buy my nephew an aquarium for his next birthday. It’s got to be better than the bathroom sink, which… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My brother was a great swimmer. He was as fast as a shark. Well, almost. It beat him by a half a… — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
