“A brick has eight edges and six sides. That’s nearly as many sides as a politician takes when discussing a binary issue. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The engine of my car is so powerful I could wash dishes under the hood. But that’d be pretty absurd, since I… — Jarod Kintz Drive Copy Share Image
“When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose.” — Jarod Kintz Choice Copy Share Image
“At the Peabody Hotel, you’ll find two things: a pea and a body. Was it murder by starvation? Come spend the night… — Jarod Kintz Hotel Copy Share Image
“I traded in my car with no gas in the tank and my new car came with a full tank. So I… — Jarod Kintz New car Copy Share Image
“The closest my penis has come to my sexy coworker’s vagina, is piss splatters on the toilet seat at the office.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After losing my job, I felt the only options available to me were razors, cyanide, or a shot to the face, until… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“Her last name is Bunch, but her first name isn’t Brady. And there was a bunch of her (she was obese). Still,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drive by a business that has a permanent sign that says, "Always hiring." Why in the world would they advertise the… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to represent the Rectangle of Desire. In nine out of ten cases, it was more effective than… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The growth of my business was amazing. Unfortunately, it grew like a tumor and not like a tree. I really needed to… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to determine whether you are really in love or not. But you’re never going to be able… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be drenched in water, frozen, and then enjoyed like a giant cotton popsicle by prisoners of a gulag, who… — Jarod Kintz Gulag Copy Share Image
“If love had its limits, and those limits tasted like lasagna, could you see yourself dating a can of chicken noodle soup?… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A good server knows how to be seen, yet remain invisible. I was a great server, and I achieved invisibility by never… — Jarod Kintz Boss Copy Share Image
“Starbucks has odd drink sizes. I say man’s hands were meant to be cupped, so pour the hot coffee right in. But… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“Love doesn’t just have arms to embrace you; it also has arms that attach to the hands that slowly strangle you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The question is not how much work are you willing to put in, but what are you willing to take out? Success… — Jarod Kintz Sacrifice Copy Share Image
“I have a handicap on the golf course like you wouldn’t believe. It’s more than a limp, and less than a wheelchair.” — Jarod Kintz Golf Copy Share Image
“Do you even listen to what I say? Would you be able to listen better if you were wearing a football helmet… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I sing into burritos like they're microphones. If you want my autograph, you’re going to have to wait until the end of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Things just didn’t work out between us. Who knows, another time, another place, maybe things still wouldn’t have worked out.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being a parent is a gift, one which most men unselfishly allow women to keep all to themselves.” — Jarod Kintz Parent Copy Share Image
“When you’re starving, and all the grocery stores are out of meat, that’s when you’ll be glad you’re a pet owner.” — Jarod Kintz Grocery store Copy Share Image
“If a cold breeze signifies a ghost, then the arctic must be really haunted. I’m going there next week, because I’ve got… — Jarod Kintz Arctic Copy Share Image
“Helen Keller, she just can’t see how much I love her. Also, she acts like she can’t hear my crying out for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be used to represent the warmth and comfort of Libertarian ideals. And the world would be a better place, if… — Jarod Kintz Better place Copy Share Image
“What can I say about love that’s never been said by me or anyone else? Well, sometimes love smells like my farts,… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I wanted to say Thank You in sign language, but instead I sneezed and ended up shooting out an I love you.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Thank God I have enough skin to cover my entire body. But just barely. If my penis were a mere 2.54 centimeters… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After they broke up, Renaldo's ex girlfriend said to never again date an older woman. And he wisely listened to her, because… — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“Is the only reason you get out of bed because you can’t sleep anymore? I’m like that sometimes.” — Jarod Kintz Reason Copy Share Image
“Once the bar gets set too high, simply lower it so you can keep on hitting your goals. You could get a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I walk like a shriveled hippopotamus, I jog like a giraffe with charcoal knees, and I run like never.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I steal cracker packets. I hoard them. Once my collection is large enough, I’ll take them to the flea market and try… — Jarod Kintz Cracker Copy Share Image
“When my internal voice goes external, and I’m in a noisy crowd, I can hardly hear myself think.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.” — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the workweek. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.” — Jarod Kintz Cyanide Copy Share Image
“There’s this girl who’s obsessed with me. I would tell you what she looks like, but she’s transparent. But I will tell… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
