“I want to sit on the sofa, eating potato chips, while wearing one of those vibrating ab belts and getting a workout.” — Jarod Kintz Fitness Copy Share Image
“If you own the most profitable manure distribution warehouse in the world, you might not like the smell of success.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It doesn’t matter how I arrive at my conclusions, so long as I reach my destination safe and sound. Especially sound.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like my eggs sunny side up at midnight, and I wear sunglasses when I eat them because they are so bright.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In high school, I was convinced I had super powers. Well, just one really. I was sure I had the gift of… — Jarod Kintz High school Copy Share Image
“Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your… — Jarod Kintz Body weight Copy Share Image
“Birthdays, like women named Bertha, are not named after great Aunt Natalie. But you, Natalie, just might be. I’m named after my… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Reflecting on myself—it can be introspective, depending on if I’m standing in front of a mirror at that moment or not.” — Jarod Kintz Introspective Copy Share Image
“My favorite unit of time is the hour, because I collect them and store as many as 10 new and unused ones… — Jarod Kintz Best time Copy Share Image
I can provide a witness who didn't see me at the scene of the crime. That witness can also prove they didn't… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how… — Jarod Kintz Motivation Copy Share Image
“I killed a man for his shoes, and then I realized his feet were much smaller than mine. So I walked around… — Jarod Kintz Barefoot Copy Share Image
“Everybody who is 100 was at one time 25. But not everybody who is 25 will live to see 100. Likewise, everyone… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Awards represent achievement, and to an extent they show more about who you are as a person than the personal items you… — Jarod Kintz Accomplishment Copy Share Image
“Somebody knocked, and I’m glad it wasn’t her. I mean I want her to come, but I thought it was him, so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wrote half this book (the left half) while I was asleep, and I wrote the other half (the top half) while… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“A hotel is more than bricks and blankets. A hotel is a welcoming atmosphere, and a place to engage in a business… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Death is the only equality guaranteed in life. A poor man will die just as surely as a rich man.” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.” — Jarod Kintz Ex girlfriend Copy Share Image
“I made art out of all the phone numbers on napkins I’ve had over the years. So it was just one napkin,… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I celebrate my birthday in ways not seen this side of the Old Testament. I celebrate my life like the Dead Sea,… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Most people fight with their fists. But I fight with my legs. I fight to stay, but they fight to run. Luckily… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not you, it’s me.” This line could signify rejection, or it could be something I say in the future, when I’m… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“Who art thou? Are you art, or a guy named Art? Doesn’t matter. What does matter is, Are you for sale?” — Jarod Kintz Artist Copy Share Image
“Trying to resist my love is like trying to hold back a tsunami with a surfboard. My advice is to take up… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My shadow’s so substantial that it has its own shadow. It isn’t as tall, but that’s OK, because sometimes it feels like… — Jarod Kintz Shadow Copy Share Image
“A brick could be dropped in a toilet to replicate the sound of shitting bricks. But we wouldn’t have to go through… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I run for office, my political platform will be made of wood, and it’ll be made by the people.” — Jarod Kintz Political Copy Share Image
“I’m not selfish. I’d gladly give someone’s life, a more valuable life than my own, while I humbly preserve and keep my… — Jarod Kintz Valuable life Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to… — Jarod Kintz Cybersecurity Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I always lift both lids of the toilet seat before I pee. Then I sit down while tinkling. If you think that’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used for anti-population-control purposes. Get naked and get under the blanket and I’ll show you how it works. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to sail with the wind. That wind is provided by my ceiling fan, and my boat is… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one… — Jarod Kintz Rain Copy Share Image
“On a scale of 1-10, fish have them. Scales—fish have scales, and I have 10 of them. Fish—I have 10, and I… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“I’ll buy you a dress at half price, and hopefully half as much cloth was used and it’s twice as short as… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“As the Hulk is green, I was bright red. I wasn’t embarrassed, but I was having a Niacin reaction.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
