“Don’t mock my dress. I’ve got a dance recital after work. You’re invited—but it’s bring your own erection. You can’t borrow mine,… — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is like one of those wooden Russian nesting dolls (matryoshka doll). I know, because your heart fits perfectly inside mine. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“For the time being I’ll be a being in time. And when I die, I’ll happily be compost for a greener world.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just like trying to ice skate on two sticks of butter in the desert, my love for her melted and was no… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“My grandpa passed a few days ago. But I’m not sad. He was only driving 20 miles an hour, so I’m sure… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I park my car in the parking spot right next to the parking spot my bed is in, just in case I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m sexually attracted to statues made out of decomposing food. Is it normal to be hungry during intercourse?” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I’d give up three days just to get three hours with the woman I love. Of course this instinct is the reason… — Jarod Kintz Investing Copy Share Image
“Losing a child must be the second most painful thing ever. The most painful thing would be to lose the child, find… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent no, and a blanket could be used to represent yes. If I ask you, “Will… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes a symbol holds more power than the thing it represents. Like the symbol for Thing, the one I created that is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the late afternoon sky, the moon had the smoky hue of the hazy horizon, and the matching clouds looked like faint… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My eyes are so close together that when I cross my eyes, my irises actually trade places. My skin is so craterous… — Jarod Kintz Eyes Copy Share Image
“To choose to chew, rather than converse with my fellow dinner guests, was the choice I made when I chose the chewiest… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The final few weeks in a town before you move always feel like vacation, like you’re observing and taking it all in,… — Jarod Kintz College degree Copy Share Image
“What I thought was a black hole turned out to be nothing more than a splatter of ink on my tie. And… — Jarod Kintz Black hole Copy Share Image
“I want a piece of apple pie so large I could wedge a For Sale sign in it and make all the… — Jarod Kintz Apple pie Copy Share Image
“If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks”--only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Chopsticks Copy Share Image
“My balls dangle so low that I need a rake to scratch them. It also comes in handy when raking up all… — Jarod Kintz Rake Copy Share Image
“When love dissipates, it’s like dancing with daisies at midnight, and you don’t get easy at it when you’re deceased. And make… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“I only need to write about 3,000 one-liners a day to produce a million jokes a year. Simple. I’ll just get started… — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“The months roll by like wheels on a wheelchair. Pretty soon it’ll be July. Feels like just last month it was May.” — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“Escalators are the offspring of elevators and stairs. Love is the progeny of passion and admiration.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a felon, though I haven’t been arrested for it. I’m guilty of stealing large quantities of love.” — Jarod Kintz Felon Copy Share Image
If you work in a hospital, you cant easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you're sick? Well why dont you… — Jarod Kintz Funny Copy Share Image
“I make love like I ride my two-seater unicycle—slowly. If you feel unstable, you can hang on to my handlebar mustache. ” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I wrote something for my local newspaper, but nobody read it because it got buried in the obituary section.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“It’s a cliff, and I’ll jump, Don’t call it a bluff, or call my bluff. And don’t call me Cliff.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“-I have this friend—you don’t know him—but— -Is his name Molloway? -No. -Oh. I don’t know anybody named Molloway, so that’s why… — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
“They settled out of court. In related news, two fish fought over an aquarium, rather than in the aquarium.” — Jarod Kintz Aquarium Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a middle name. But who’d be dumb enough to do that, when it would clearly make… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once watched several criminals engage in an organized argument, while an audience of supporters cheered them on, but I was so… — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“My dad taught me everything I know about being a man, and most of what I know about being a woman. The… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as brain filler for the political mind, just in case one of our elected officials needs a… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“We made love like Wednesday and Thursday, only Thursday wasn’t always on top. Her name was Yesterday, and today will always remind… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can be a real drag (especially if it always dangles along… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My lucky rabbit's foot has kept me alive all these years. Hopefully it will do so indefinitely. Immortality through sheer luck.” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
