“I would answer the door for the pizza delivery guy wearing my birthday suit, but it had cake all over it so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A speeding fine lets me know it’s OK to break the law, just so long as I’m willing pay money for the… — Jarod Kintz Law Copy Share Image
“In middle school, Renaldo was voted most likely to vote in a Presidential election. But he was the most obvious choice to… — Jarod Kintz Middle school Copy Share Image
“If you could buy time, I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive, and tomorrow would be cheap.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a list of people to kill. All but number 33 are my clones. Who’s number 33? Why you are, of course.” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to reveal hidden mysteries. Quick, get naked and get under, and I will illuminate the night. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m about to cross a time zone, and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, maybe I can catch up… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stall for time when the police are searching your place looking for a missing person. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish somebody would combine tasers and dildos, and test the devices out on all the politicians in Washington DC. Well, all… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“When I see a poor person I think of me, and then I think, maybe I should pay my clones for all… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I often laugh at a dog that chases its own tail. But aren’t there some people out there who spend a lot… — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“A car’s gas tank should be see-through, so I don’t have to rely on a possibly faulty gauge to tell me it’s… — Jarod Kintz Human heart Copy Share Image
“Two years ago I bought my brother’s slightly used iMac for five hundred bucks. Five hundred bucks! That’s the price of a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My heart beats to the rhythm of the windshield wipers. I’d better never drive in the desert, unless I want to die.… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If I were a robot, and I got cheated on with a vacuum cleaner, I’d question my cleanliness. I’d also wonder if… — Jarod Kintz Gold digger Copy Share Image
“Distributing unsolicited You’re Welcomes, it’s a thankless task. It’s almost as if people don’t want to see me at 4 AM as… — Jarod Kintz Unsolicited Copy Share Image
“I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to back the dollar. Hey, it’s better than the dollar being backed by nothing, right? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How do two retards eat a turd sandwich? Well, not by first wiping their ass with wheat bread like I showed them.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I’ve found the safest place to store my valuables is in a trash sack. Unless I invite a bunch of hobos over… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The baby looked at me as if to say, You never stop to consider my life. I looked back as if to… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“There were 17 people at the funeral. 16 of them were there for a family reunion—mine. Discount space, you see.” — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“If I found money, I’d turn it in—for the reward. Unless the reward money was less than the value of the money… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“If you’re going to hit on me, please wear boxing gloves. I get it though, because when I’m dancing it looks like… — Jarod Kintz Boxing gloves Copy Share Image
“Of all the bars in the world, prison is the worst, followed closely by the ones that serve alcohol.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hiring managers claim they don’t discriminate, but that’s simply not true. The unqualified are constantly being discriminated against.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The most dangerous flower is one that grows on a grave. Everybody in its vicinity is dead. That’s why I hand-picked it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be modified to be a cell phone, for construction workers who miss the easy to find cell phone size… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m exercising my right to free speech, because it used to be obese. For years all it did was sit on the… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“We made eyes at each other, and then we made love. We also made other things too, like meatloaf.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“The butcher died, and he requested to be cremated. But I don’t want to burn him, because I like my meat medium… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need to work smarter, harder, faster, and longer than you. And if I still don't come out in front, then simply… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used for political transparency. After all, what’s more see-through than a brick wall? ” — Jarod Kintz Brick wall Copy Share Image
“I met a girl I wanted to date, but she was spoken for—by her mouth. That’s the kind of relationship I could… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to ever see her again, because I want to always remember her as she was—young and beautiful. She won't… — Jarod Kintz Dementia Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a scapegoat. But I’d rather use real goats, because they make better cheese. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
