“Hydrogenated and androgynous milky white love is all I have to offer you. Would you like me to pour it in your… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“At first sign of crisis, the ignorant don’t panic because they don’t know what’s going on, and then later they panic precisely… — Jarod Kintz Anxiety Copy Share Image
“I’d love to work with an Asian guy named Wu Hu, because just saying his name would get me all pumped up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I pretend I'm from the 19th century. Then I drive around and say, Wow! So this is what the future's like,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a fisherman, a hunter, and a lover. A lover of men, not animals. And by men I mean women.” — Jarod Kintz Fisherman Copy Share Image
“You don’t need brass knuckles to discover if a man has a glass jaw. All you need to do is stick his… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I asked myself a question, but I wouldn’t answer, because it was too personal. I wish I had a clone, so he… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love has a glow, like a neon light having sex with a pack of hi-lighters, only not quite as quaint.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes when I read before bed I get so tired that my eyes gloss over the sentences without actually taking in any… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I have aspirations of becoming the first man to put on a chicken suit, cross the road, and then explain my motives… — Jarod Kintz Aspirations Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year… — Jarod Kintz Federal reserve Copy Share Image
“Surrealist Tip # 7: Sleep through numbers 1-6. Write down your dreams while you sleep, sleep as fast as you can, but… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were sitting in a dentist’s chair, and I was cleaning your teeth. You wondered if… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I want to open a broken marriage repair shop. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I am a fan of the… — Jarod Kintz Broken marriage Copy Share Image
“A brick could used to translate and transform long cuneiform texts into shorter tweets. Sure, just take the brick and smash the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a gopher. If I see something I want, I go for it, Orafoura said . And I’m a shepherd. If I see… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Diversity is like a buffet, only with people. That’s why I like associating with individuals who are as close to macaroni and… — Jarod Kintz Diversity Copy Share Image
“My math is so fuzzy you should pet it. Four minus two isn’t two, because between two and four minus two is… — Jarod Kintz Mathematics Copy Share Image
“You made me dinner, so I made myself vomit—twice. Once to clear some room in my full stomach so I could eat,… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“It takes maturity and practice and patience to spread chunky peanut butter evenly on crumbly bread.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I want to wow you with my loudness. I wish I could turn down your job offer, because it’s hurting my ears.” — Jarod Kintz Loudness Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to create a new society, a perfect society, where there is no inequality, there are no laws,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As she walked away she said Thank you. “Thank you,” I replied. I don’t think she heard me, because again she said… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the… — Jarod Kintz Graveyard Copy Share Image
“The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth, they are the… — Jarod Kintz Celebrating Copy Share Image
“With four tires on every car in the world, there’s too much rubber. All the Johns should take the condoms off their… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I spent ten years in prison, I’d probably come to value the small things in life. Things like good food, a… — Jarod Kintz Good food Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to put out a fire. Unless that fire is in your heart, and you simply refuse to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself,… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“When I found him lying in the ditch holding a shovel, I thought he was sleeping on the job. Turns out he… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cats are living, breathing blankets. But a blanket, no matter how furry, cannot be used like a purrless cat. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I met my girlfriend at a bar. But I broke up with her because she was already there, hitting on another guy.” — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to do anything I have to do, even if I want to do it. Compulsion takes the fun out… — Jarod Kintz Compulsion Copy Share Image
“I went to a homosexual high school. I graduated top in my class. I couldn't imagine being on the bottom.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had a choice between walking along a sidewalk with no rails and a thousand foot drop, or jumping in a… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to raise my spirits. I’m feeling low right now, low by about three inches. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla… — Jarod Kintz Ice cream Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket could be combined to create a blink. And a half a blink, as we all know, is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m wearing shoes made of sea foam, and I am here to seduce the elderly. If you brought the geriatrics, then I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
