“Rollie Fingers called. He wants his fingers back. And his mustache. Too bad I sold them to 1969 to buy some free… — Jarod Kintz Free love Copy Share Image
“Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Even though I wore an eye patch, the Cyclops and I, we didn’t see eye to eye. We argued about the nature… — Jarod Kintz Cyclops Copy Share Image
“If I could die saving two lives, I would, provided each of those two people were the kind of people who would… — Jarod Kintz Saving Lives Copy Share Image
“I haven’t had a birthday party in a while, probably because I’m not really into celebrating myself. Especially not for an achievement… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“-There’s a beautiful woman here for you who wants to have sex. -Tell her I’m married. Then tell her I’ll be there… — Jarod Kintz Beautiful woman Copy Share Image
“Ah, the good ol’ days. I remember those days. That was before your time. It was before my time too, because I… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I want to head up a committee to discuss how to properly head up committees. Our committee will sit at a round… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After the first meal with a new girlfriend’s family, I always like to say, “Will you folks excuse me, I have to… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“There is nothing more romantic than candles and flowers, except candles that smell like flowers and flowers that can be burned, as… — Jarod Kintz Candles Copy Share Image
“I have a rating system I apply to all people. Mao Zedong might have a Meow Factor of four, but I like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t have time to grow out a mustache, so I wore a squirrel to the party. Women looked at me like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d prefer going on a date with 10 women at once. Not only might I get a bulk discount at the restaurant,… — Jarod Kintz Interview Copy Share Image
“When Jed comes in and gives you that look where his forehead wrinkles up and his chin drops so low that his… — Jarod Kintz Winter Copy Share Image
“Most people don’t know where money comes from. Even most of our elected officials don’t know. If you were to ask a… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“My hands fell asleep, so I washed them with hot coffee. Then I had donuts for breakfast, by way of spinning circles… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing in this world feels quite like freedom, except for freedom. And nothing in the world tastes quite like freedom, except for… — Jarod Kintz Bald eagle Copy Share Image
“She had breasts that sagged to her knees. But that's ok, because when it got cold, I could see her nipples through… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“All my writing is translated from Gibberish directly into Nonsense. So if my writing offends you, then don’t blame me—blame the translator.” — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“I’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I asked for the time, and she sold me a way to divide my attention into 12 equal parts. I asked her… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I must be pregnant, because I’m craving some strange food. Right now I feel like eating organic, grass-fed cow cud, covered with… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“My friends mess around with my friends—and my friends’ bikes. Sex with bicycles—that kind of love is just too fast for me.… — Jarod Kintz Bicycles Copy Share Image
“A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My photograph represents me as a person, but not as a personality. My personality is best represented by a Rorschach test.” — Jarod Kintz Photography Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to cut things. The duller the object, the sharper the user has to be to make it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m different than other men in that I’m indifferent to the ins and outs of concave and convex relationships. I feel that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The cause isn’t worth getting up for, but it is worth sleeping for. Just trying to do my part to help humanity.” — Jarod Kintz Humanity Copy Share Image
“I have a cigarette for a penis. Except when I get sexually aroused it turns into a cigar. Would you care to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wonder if Seal got his name because it looks like his face was mauled by a Great White shark?” — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At five in the morning, I was half asleep. The whole left side of my body was taking a nap. Seems I’m… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm proud to be a Mick, even though I'm not Irish My middle name is Mickey, though. Actually, I’m lying.” — Jarod Kintz Irish Copy Share Image
“I would like an extra tight vagina, in a to-go box please. Can I get it with extra gravy on top?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to measure water levels through what scientists call hydrostatics. If you throw a brick into the ocean,… — Jarod Kintz Science Copy Share Image
“I can’t sell sex for money, but what if I change sex’s name to food? Then can I sell it freely in… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“He said he didn’t think he is good, but you can tell that secretly he thinks he’s good. And he’s right—he’s not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more prisons. That’s what makes… — Jarod Kintz Freedom Copy Share Image
“To show the football coach I was ready to play tight end, I wore no pants and had a Q-tip dangling out… — Jarod Kintz Football coach Copy Share Image
