“Who needs a large vocabulary when you can just make up any word at any time? It makes life a whole lot… — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to sell pepper to people in the salt mines. So while you’re busy selling pepper to the… — Jarod Kintz Bottled water Copy Share Image
“I think it’s important to set goals for myself, goals for the future, goals that I’ll demand my clones achieve for me.” — Jarod Kintz Future goals Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the… — Jarod Kintz Blushing Copy Share Image
“When I go to the bar, I never drink much. And to do that I avoid conversations, as silence reduces saliva and… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to attract a potential mate. I’ve already got my mate. I bought her in a mannequin store… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The sign on the side of the highway said “Shoulder Work,” and I thought, “I could go for a massage right now.”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the sort of businessman who goes in to buy a lime, and comes out with a lemon. I’m shrewd like that.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I put on a black scuba suit and go walking on the beach, to relax. If I could, I’d sleep in… — Jarod Kintz East coast Copy Share Image
“My mom is all about risk vs. reward. So for example, if I were to go out on a date and have… — Jarod Kintz Risk Copy Share Image
“They call alcohol spirits, because it’s the spirit turned liquid. Would you drink my soul if you knew I’d use it to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Words failed me at the precise moment I thought I was passing my vocabulary test, and I can’t tell you how that… — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to control whole populations of people. Just get a good looking person, like a news anchor, to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went through and underlined all the funny lines in his book, and by the time I was done, I had underlined… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Good things come to those who ate. I’m going to wait to eat. I just got done swallowing my pride, and I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best way to sell a car is to first try to sell them an airplane, then a horse, and then finally… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in… — Jarod Kintz Disguise Copy Share Image
“If you can hear me, brush your teeth as a sign and signal. This will let me know you know, and it’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I weren’t married, and I didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d ask that girl out. But what can I do? I’m an… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have two mustaches, one over each eye. They smell like tits and ass, because that’s all I enjoy drinking.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“Respect is something that should be earned, like eyebrows shaped like windshield wipers in a stormy arcade evening. I like my respect… — Jarod Kintz Respect Copy Share Image
“Love is a lot like coffee, I once thought as I suckled on a milky nipple. But I was one at the… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“A miracle every day would cease to be miraculous—it would be mundane. Though even a boring sunset is still glorious.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put the choir in kissing. Too bad there’s no sing in fornicating. But that doesn’t stop me from hiring a hummer.” — Jarod Kintz Choir Copy Share Image
“With the woman I loved, I wouldn’t change one second with her. No, I’d change all the seconds, and the thing I’d… — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a flying decision inducer. You could have said yes before I threw the brick, but I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d use my shadow as a blanket, but it’s too cold. It’s a shame, because it’d fit snuggly over my body.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To me, a good friend is one who doesn't talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who… — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
“When she broke up with me, I didn’t break down or break in to her apartment just to break out of my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“II’m proud to say that over the past few years there’s been considerable disinterest in my work. But things should pick up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am an orange construction cone, and I say to you, “Caution.” This is my advice for love—and for driving while blindfolded,… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“His last name was Morris, but I called him Mars, because it’s like he was from another planet, like Venus. He was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How to get money: earn it, steal it, borrow it, beg for it, or inherit it. So, who do I have to… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“I can’t get car parts at Lowes, the home improvement store? If I lived in my car, my car would be my… — Jarod Kintz Home improvement Copy Share Image
“A mafia don could snap his fingers and somebody would snap my neck. But when I snap my fingers, people start dancing.… — Jarod Kintz Mafia Copy Share Image
“My lawyer’s name is Mr. Dentist. I have him on retainer. The police may think I’m crooked, but my teeth sure are… — Jarod Kintz Crooked teeth Copy Share Image
“A triangle has three points, just like the number of horns my ex had (she was 50% more evil than Satan).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.” — Jarod Kintz Eternity Copy Share Image
