“I put tin foil on our relationship and stuck it in the fridge, because it needed to cool down a bit.” — Jarod Kintz Foil Copy Share Image
“He was thoughtless, not because he was insensitive, but because I had just eaten his brain and his skull was empty.” — Jarod Kintz Insensitive Copy Share Image
“Are you an Is there? or a There isn’t! kind of person? I’m more of an Is there isn’t? kind of guy.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is you wearing her favorite shirt of yours, just like you did yesterday and the day before. And the day before… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A blanket is a blank canvas for which to paint. And a brick could be chiseled into a sculpture. ” — Jarod Kintz Blank canvas Copy Share Image
“I am the sphinx of love. But I didn’t used to be. I used to be a sphink—which has the head of… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I drink coffee like a civilized man—alone in a cave, wearing a loincloth, and grunting in frustration because my club is too… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I make love like a lump of cold oatmeal. I apologize if that mental image excites you and makes you hunger for… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I wrote a coded love note in my report for work. All the letters you need to read what I wrote are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have half a mustache. It was a gift from my father, who bought one with a Buy One Mustache, Get One… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. Our relationship faded from red to white, and somewhere in the middle, in the pink zone,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was laughing in the park, when I saw some fool throwing what I thought was a bomb. It turned out to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re wearing a space suit, I’ll take a unicrescent sandwich; hold the mayonnaise—and the moon. (But don’t hold it in your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When trying to find the words to tell her how much I loved her, I stumbled across the ingredients for grilled cheese… — Jarod Kintz Grilled cheese Copy Share Image
“Last weekend I went out of my comfort zone to go hang out with people I’d only heard about, and I met… — Jarod Kintz Comfort zone Copy Share Image
“A brick could replace the eagle as the symbol for the United States of America. And why not? A brick just sort… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I sell black markers on the black market. I am personally responsible for 50% of all truck stop urinal poetry.” — Jarod Kintz Investing Copy Share Image
“When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls.” — Jarod Kintz Desire Copy Share Image
“If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Gather the wheelchairs in a circle, and then summon the cripples. Would anybody care for a glass of discrimination?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used in a secretive manner. What? I can’t just tell you how it could be used. What part… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll give you a treat to get in your cage. I’m rewarding you for punishing you. Who am I? If you guessed… — Jarod Kintz Dog Copy Share Image
“Poor Chad. Not the country, but the guy. Oh, and the country’s poor too. I feel so bad for Chad. I also… — Jarod Kintz Chad Copy Share Image
“If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for… — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“My goal is to have the most and the best of what I desire. And since I desire clones, I have to… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a… — Jarod Kintz Celebrity Copy Share Image
“Because of the age difference, I assumed they were related, mother/daughter. But they weren’t. They were father/son/possible lovers.” — Jarod Kintz Age difference Copy Share Image
“I want to assure you, I’m not that kind of pervert. But don’t worry, goat lady, there’s somebody for everybody. Or anybody… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to describe somebody hard and inflexible, and a blanket could be used to describe somebody warm and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Be like a sparrow aspiring to be an ostrich, and I’ll be like a cowboy with no horse looking for a speedy… — Jarod Kintz Bird Copy Share Image
“I have a beard of grass. I grew it on my back, and sometimes my neighbor mows it for me. Meow!” — Jarod Kintz Neighbor Copy Share Image
“As long as you are wearing a hat made out of shingles, you’ll always have a roof over your head.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think the best punishment for a misbehaving child is to strap them to a chair and make them listen to Lady… — Jarod Kintz Child Copy Share Image
“I’m tired of calling @PapaJohns. I wish they’d call me for once. I’m starting to think they don’t love me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In society’s daylight, black people are invisible. Black people are also invisible at night. Hooray for flashlights!” — Jarod Kintz Black people Copy Share Image
“Writer’s want to write something that’ll live forever. I don’t. What do I care if my writing lives forever if I won’t?… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to believe an eight-foot tall man can come out of a tight vagina. Obviously, mothers of really tall men must… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered "All of them," you should have your genitals ripped out… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“Cats are always there when you need them, asleep, telling you with their body language that they don’t need you.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
