“I want to write a story about an asexual unicycle who refuses to let a unicorn ride it.” — Jarod Kintz Unicorn Copy Share Image
“Throw a pair of Band-Aids over your eyelids, and open your eyes to your wounds.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Too much nudity is a turn off. Especially if all that flesh is on one person. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only class I studied religiously was Christianity 101.” — Jarod Kintz Christianity Copy Share Image
“My clones better not wear invisible cloaks. How am I supposed to find myself as a person if I can’t even find… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“A manmade waterfall that was half man, half waterfall would have a hard time going upstairs. Thank God for waterproof elevators!” — Jarod Kintz Hard time Copy Share Image
“Weeping willows remind me of summer. And sadness. I wonder if tissues are made out of their trunks.” — Jarod Kintz Weeping willows Copy Share Image
“I wasn’t dead, I was asleep. There’s a difference, however slight. That subtle difference is between being a stiff and having a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn’t always better. Don’t you want to make love better? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Shakespeare asked what’s in a name. Well, each of my clones won’t be named the same as me, but they’ll be me… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a suit, you should still invite me swimming. That’s the naked truth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The bottom of a cup of coffee is not as good as the bottom of her body—which is actually in the middle… — Jarod Kintz Body Copy Share Image
“The world classifies people into "Haves" and "Have Nots." But that's for people of normal stature. If you're a loser, and a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My birthday is coming up. I was born on March 5th, 1982. Humans have come a long way since then—nearly 30 years,… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“As we were walking home the other night, Orafoura turned to me and said, “Were you aware that there are places in… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A brick is used to label a missed shot in basketball. However, a better term to call a missed shot, or any… — Jarod Kintz Basketball Copy Share Image
“I collect the most valuable thing in the world—free time. But unlike other priceless things, I don’t need a safe to keep… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every man has a soul, but will every man’s clone have a soul? No, because me and some scientists will have sucked… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be used to keep politicians warm, when we kick them all to the street. They’ll be warm, but they’ll be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I look like a million bucks, but I feel like shit. Thanks, inflation!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll show the state of my nipples before asking, Is that all you’ve got, January?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Of all things possible, the impossible is the only one worth skipping sex for.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most people wear mind blindfolds. I think that’s stupid. I wear blindfolds over my eyes.” — Jarod Kintz Blindfolds Copy Share Image
“My first and last name is like a candy bar in your mouth that you can chew on as you say it.” — Jarod Kintz Candy Copy Share Image
“My cat’s favorite chew toy is a pen. I’d wager that he is a better writer than me.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Man should have a solid foundation under his feet, and a roof over his mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Greatness Copy Share Image
“I have all the things I need to succeed in life, including a bucket of unicorn urine.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“By day I’m a dishwasher in a suit. By night I’m a dishwasher in pajamas.” — Jarod Kintz Pajamas Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think Gummy Bears should be the universal symbol for peace, because peace leads to prosperity, prosperity leads to decadence, and decadence… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
