“I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car.” — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“I try to put myself in another man’s shoes. Or a woman’s, if she has large enough feet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My office window overlooks a parking lot. I’ve got the best view on the whole submarine.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The fastest way for me to achieve self-improvement is with The Opponent Apparatus (my clone).” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I always like to see people working. Makes me feel good because I’m not.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the Robert the Bruce of Bruces. I’m also the Robert the Bruce of Roberts. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d scale the tallest tree, just to surreptitiously watch you sunbathe naked. So the real question is, does that make me romantic—or… — Jarod Kintz Heroic Copy Share Image
“I’m so lonely, I just need somebody to call me—even if it’s a wrong number. I’m also hungry, so maybe that caller… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“I gathered all my eggs in one basket, because I believe in collectivism, and I wanted a tyrannical omelet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love felt like furry sandpaper, would you ever be able to leave my nipples alone? This handyman has a hands-off policy,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What I call talking to God, you may call talking to myself. Of course, I’m flattered that you’d think I am God.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is yesterday’s tomorrow, minus the frozen musical notes, soggy teabags, and political opposition from your own embryonic offspring.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I notice your absence. I notice your non presence and reflect on the time you were present, in the present, which is… — Jarod Kintz Absence Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a blanket, and a blanket could be used as a brick, but not very well and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If one unlabeled bottle holds nonfat milk, what does the second unlabeled bottle contain? If you answered “Whole milk” then you’re obviously… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Instead of making trash cans cylinder shaped, they should make the mold look more like a person, to help with that ever… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love pan pizza. I love pans. I love Peter Pan. I love Peter, but not as much as I love Paul.… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a response when the cops ask you if you murdered your mother-in-law. Forget yes or no.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to teach geography to a sleeping man. Better do it quick, before he wakes up and finds… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am prophetic. I predicted it would snow tomorrow yesterday, and sure enough today it snowed. True, I’ve been saying it will… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. We made elevator music history until Marvin got his oboe… — Jarod Kintz History Copy Share Image
“I am the William Wallace of love. Wait, no I’m not, I’m the Robert the Bruce.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll take away your disillusionment, and replace it with an illusion.” — Jarod Kintz Disillusionment Copy Share Image
“Fear is like a car. Either you control it, or you let it paralyze you.” — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“After I’m dead, I want to ghostwrite my autobiography.” — Jarod Kintz Autobiography Copy Share Image
“Toilet bowl basins need to be deeper, because every time I sit down my penis clogs the pipe.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I found panties in the chimney, and they’re not mine. They must belong to a fire crotch.” — Jarod Kintz Chimney Copy Share Image
“I ate a half a cookie, but not because I wanted to. I ate it out of necessity.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Love is as old as time, though it is considerably more difficult to stuff inside a watch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Not only did I not join, but now I can’t quit. I’m a nonmember for life.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“My life outlook isn’t cloudy. That’s just the weather report for the rest of my life.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just made ice cream. Accidentally. I made regular cream, and then winter kicked in.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put you on the map, and I can fold you up and stuff you in the glove compartment too.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A porcupine has fur like a fence. That makes it a good neighbor unto itself.” — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
