“I want to be the boss, and have my name embossed on the corner office door.” — Jarod Kintz Boss Copy Share Image
“-Do you have any scary I can borrow? Orafoura asked. -I’m afraid not, I replied.” — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“There were only two of us left for dinner, and that’s when I realized what I was: leftovers.” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“I should invent a stationary bike/electrical generator/phonograph player, so that when the grid goes down I will have motivation to exercise for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure he’ll show up to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re wrestling someone underwater, don’t try to choke them, because it’s redundant since they already can’t breathe.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Burn my eyebrows and call me Bette. But if I’ve got eyebrows, don’t call me Bette—call me Davis. Then let’s make love… — Jarod Kintz Sister Copy Share Image
“I’ll never be as old as someone older than me, but I can be older than them if I outlive their lifespan.” — Jarod Kintz Lifespan Copy Share Image
“Just because you don’t have an arrest record doesn’t mean you’re not a criminal. As proof, note some of the cleanest rap… — Jarod Kintz Crime Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a Red Beard Replacement, for those of us who can’t grow facial hair, but desire the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I won't discuss non-discussable things with her, like the sound of silence or the vertical dimensions of an awkward moment. Those sorts… — Jarod Kintz Awkward moment Copy Share Image
“I know a man who used to be a millionaire before 2007. Now he’s poor and mopping floors. But I’m not laughing,… — Jarod Kintz Millionaire Copy Share Image
“I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: Let’s say we’re on a date, and I’m being all seductive by talking nonstop about such interesting topics… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Newt Gingrich, buddy, the people of the United States don’t like you. And the only reason the rest of the world doesn’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I go to a restaurant and they say, “How many in your party?” and I say, “One,” I feel sad because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be your new best friend. If this appeals to you, it’s probably because people tend to seek the company… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“A brick is like fruitcake. You don’t want to use it up all at once, and in fact, you don’t want to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the most expensive person in my life. Every day I pay for the poor decisions of my past.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm the oldest of twelve brothers. However, the other eleven are yet to be born.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wear a helmet when I write, because if you’re doing it right, writing is dangerous.” — Jarod Kintz Writer Copy Share Image
“Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.” — Jarod Kintz Millionaire Copy Share Image
“I had to close the door on our friendship, because he kept climbing in through my window.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“My motto: I’ll do it today, or tomorrow, or the next day, or not.” — Jarod Kintz Motto Copy Share Image
“There are levels of humor. The level above mine is invisible and inaudible.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“I want to knit myself a skin-tight sweater, made out of human flesh.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s a comforting thought knowing that no matter how old I get, I can always get older.” — Jarod Kintz Comforting Copy Share Image
If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt. — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“I can’t believe you think that I can’t believe you don’t think that.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
