“I enjoy reading books by way of subtitles from the movies they got made into.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I’m practically famous. More than eleven people have heard of me. Twelve, to be exact.” — Jarod Kintz Fame Copy Share Image
“A blanket cold be used as truth. At least it’s so warm, it must be used that way. ” — Jarod Kintz Truth Copy Share Image
“Don’t raise your hand to ask a question, or I’ll give you a surprise high five.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Mr. Needleneeds, and I’m looking for a haystack. It’s easier to find than love.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I meet people to know I’m not alone. I network like an astronaut on the moon.” — Jarod Kintz Astronaut Copy Share Image
“I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.” — Jarod Kintz Loyalty Copy Share Image
“A brick could be laid on a blanket, so the blanket doesn’t blow away. But why would the blanket blow away? I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A book is a vacation for the mind. My books will take you inside my mind, so feel free to make yourself… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to neatly pack your suitcase. It would promote personal strength and frugality. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather gotten a dollar, because what do I want with an animal… — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“Governments are nothing more than elaborate Rube Goldberg apparatuses, operating with absurd inefficiency. Why walk ten steps when you can make it… — Jarod Kintz Governments Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to suffocate our secret desires. And what do I secretly desire? I desire suffocation, and that is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream where I lost Cap’n among the hundreds of black and white cats and they all looked nearly identical… — Jarod Kintz Black and white Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to offset things likely to set you off. When you start to get hot, just wrap yourself… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were comparing scars. All of yours were on your body, while all of my scars… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“A boring machine, would it drill holes—or put you to sleep? The two-party political system, that’s a boring machine, though voters are… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“Control your temper, or it will control you. Sometimes even remotely, like a toy car. Christmas is coming up, and for only… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“If I collected dust, I wouldn’t mind if I got dust on it. My collection would grow and accumulate naturally. Probably my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One day Orafoura and I were walking along and I turned and said, "I wish I could capture the weather in a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m 30, and his daughter is 18. He said I was too old for her. So I asked him if I was… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“When I got a networking event, I don’t see a crowd of strangers—I see an admiring audience waiting for me to perform… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Toothpaste pie is no substitute for swishing around minty-fresh love in your mouth and then rinsing out with cold, refreshing reality. But… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“With your fertile eggs, and my semen, we’d make a delicious omelet.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Vacation, I go there in my mind. Especially when I’m at work, getting paid for it.” — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“A rubber band is attached to a lever. Pull on the lever to increase the tension in the room.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m underwater on my mortgage. Thankfully, I live on a submarine.” — Jarod Kintz Submarine Copy Share Image
“I clench your love in my butt cheeks, along with all my hard-earned cash.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I use a roll of paper towels like a conveyer belt of dryness.” — Jarod Kintz Paper towels Copy Share Image
“Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library. ” — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“I’d dig your grave with a spoon, if the earth were made of green Jell-O.” — Jarod Kintz Nature Copy Share Image
“I left a jar in the doorway to leave the door ajar, but love never walked in.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
