“I am a tree, though I’m not a shady character. I’m like a tree in winter.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to pour your voice into a goldfish bowl before flushing it down the toilet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have about as much practice sleeping as everyone else, though I’d like to have more.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I long for your love like shortness of breath. Somebody get me an inhaler!” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Love smells like a flower in bloom. A flower that's sitting on a pile of steaming feces.” — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“I saw a hermaphrodite changing, so out of respect, I turned halfway around.” — Jarod Kintz Hermaphrodite Copy Share Image
“When we communicate, everybody wins. Especially the NSA.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I’d staple my breath to your chest, if I thought it’d help you breathe easier. I’ll also sell you a pair of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m going to change the world, and all for under $14.95. I’m not going to change the world much, but hey, what… — Jarod Kintz Change the world Copy Share Image
Chivalry, stimulating conversations, everything is said to be a lost art nowadays. But nothing is a lost art, unless its a sunken… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I want a ride that’s comfy and fast. And you just can’t beat the gas mileage or upholstery of a horse.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just got circumcised, and to help the homeless, I’m going to make a tent out of my foreskin. But right now… — Jarod Kintz Circumcised Copy Share Image
“I'm a duck farmer. Am I the world's best duck farmer? Probably not, but there's no official ranking, and I'm a modest… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For admission to the bowling alley, you need underwear. I am responsible for the incident that led to this rule.” — Jarod Kintz Bowling Copy Share Image
“You’re under no obligation to accept my oppression, but it is strongly recommended. I’ll make you love me, even if I have… — Jarod Kintz Oppression Copy Share Image
“The world needs more laws. I say this only because I believe the world needs more lawyers. If everybody was a lawyer,… — Jarod Kintz Law Copy Share Image
“One time a woman made my heart flood with love, and then fled the scene of the subsequent boating accident. Many people… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone… — Jarod Kintz History Copy Share Image
“I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At… — Jarod Kintz New job Copy Share Image
“Every morning I cheer on my Cheerios, but I don’t really want them to win. Secretly I’m trying to drown them and… — Jarod Kintz Every morning Copy Share Image
“Mr. and Mrs. Foster are not my foster parents. Also, they’re not even married to each other. Mr. Foster is married to… — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“I wrote this because someone put a gun to my head and said, “Write.” And do you know how long it takes… — Jarod Kintz Writer Copy Share Image
“Your writing can be chosen by one publisher and hated by all readers, or it can be rejected by one publisher and… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Me and my wife are happy. At least when we are not together.” — Jarod Kintz Happiness Copy Share Image
“It seems that in love, I have no match. It also seems that with firewood, I have no match.” — Jarod Kintz Firewood Copy Share Image
“I’d punch a guy that likes a girl 16 years younger. Especially if that guy was 18 years old.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.” — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“When you said you were ugly it was the most untrue thing you’ve ever said. Well, it’s true!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had nostrils on my index fingers, I wonder what the inside of my nose would smell like?” — Jarod Kintz Nostrils Copy Share Image
“Don’t let your inability to see get in the way of your vision.” — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I blink like a blanket. I’m not asleep—this extended motionlessness is how I make love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When you’re a cartographer, having to make maps sort of comes with the territory.” — Jarod Kintz Geography Copy Share Image
“She asked for soup, and I served her cereal. Our love was in the breakfast stage.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Courage is a commodity I sell in times of peace. But then my father was a chicken farmer.” — Jarod Kintz Courage Copy Share Image
“I am a love factory. I make love out of high quality plastics at an affordable price.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I left my youth behind me. It peddled the bicycle while I rode on the handlebars.” — Jarod Kintz Bicycle Copy Share Image
