“People who have knickknacks are people people. Some are even named Nick.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Politics isn’t dirty. And neither are politicians. No, politicians are filthy.” — Jarod Kintz Politicians Copy Share Image
“I'm all about safe fruit. After I peel a banana, I roll on a condom.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With that shirt you have on, you remind me of what you look like with no shirt on.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Farmers grow on the land. I suppose farmers grow farmers, rather than using sex to reproduce.” — Jarod Kintz Farmer Copy Share Image
“My coffee cup didn’t come with a sleeve, but that’s OK, because I’m wearing a tank top.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I talked to David yesterday, but since it is a statue, it didn’t talk back. I have to say, it was a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like ice cream with my cake. But in moderation, and not like five gallons with a cupcake. For that much ice… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My father is half man, half Zeus. That makes me one quarter fake God. But that's better than being one quarter nickel.” — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“The six squares of our love didn’t add up to a cube. Still, I took the oddly-shaped box down to the post… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Pete Rose’s last name is so sweet, he can’t be a cheater. But a cheat by any other name would smell just… — Jarod Kintz Flower Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to barter with. I could trade my blanket for your sex, and everybody’s happy but the tax… — Jarod Kintz Barter Copy Share Image
“I have a container full of yelling I keep in my kitchen. It makes a great cleaning product, as it’s wonderfully abrasive.” — Jarod Kintz Yelling Copy Share Image
“I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the… — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like a fleeglebeegle, which in turn could be used like a zoopkatofka, which itself could be used… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a color, it'd be orange. Not because that's a romantic color, but because it's the sweetest. If you want… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m not a murderer, though I have killed off billions of alternate me’s. They don’t exist because of me and my actions.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A wink and a smirk walk into a bar, and the bartender asked them what they were drinking, when all of the… — Jarod Kintz Cowboy hat Copy Share Image
“I could see that she was eager to please and impress me, and I was excited to see someone so excited to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm running late, but there's always time to scribble weird messages in guest signage books. Also, am I really late? The Catholic… — Jarod Kintz History Copy Share Image
“Unless I’m dead, I’ll definitely be at your funeral. Just be sure to return the favor and show up at mine. Your… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Dinner is served. It’s chicken lo mein. Oh and by the way, your cat is missing.” — Jarod Kintz Dinner Copy Share Image
“I wish all the lobbyists on K Street would drown in alphabet soup.” — Jarod Kintz Alphabet soup Copy Share Image
“There are shades of schadenfreude. My favorite shade is bright red, from a haughty spanking.” — Jarod Kintz Schadenfreude Copy Share Image
“I need to convince John to convince Jim to convince Jason that I don’t need convincing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could write from anywhere, including the moon, provided I had a pencil and not a pen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll wait until your mouth is full of food before I ask you a question. I’m like a dentist.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I like how volcanoes rumble before they erupt, as if to say, Get the hell off me.” — Jarod Kintz Erupt Copy Share Image
“Too much much is a dangerous thing. But not as dangerous as danger itself.” — Jarod Kintz Danger Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to divide two people, and then conquer both of them. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What ends in a W, has no beginning, and is always in the present? Now.” — Jarod Kintz Anger Copy Share Image
“I need to condense my adrenaline, carbonate it, sweeten it, and sell it as an energy drink.” — Jarod Kintz Adrenaline Copy Share Image
