“Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would take a trip down Memory Lane, but with gas prices sky high, forget about it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a logician. No matter how wrong I am, I can always convince myself I am right.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I used to live in a seedy section of town. There were a lot of farmers in the area.” — Jarod Kintz Farmers Copy Share Image
“We made love like a slice of French toast trying to act like an English muffin.” — Jarod Kintz French toast Copy Share Image
“I collect nothing. The best part is, the less I have, the more I have.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The indignity of having to wear suntan lotion pales in comparison to getting skin cancer.” — Jarod Kintz Makeup Copy Share Image
“Tomorrow night I’m giving a lecture on silence and invisibility. Don’t be surprised if I don’t show up. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm sure glad socks are made out of cotton, and not ice-cube trays, because I don't like keeping my socks in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I walked in on two of my clones having sex, I’d think it was gay, incestuous, and just plain rude to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sure, I’d fake my own death. But only if I had the following items: duct tape, seven slinkies, a parachute, and a… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“If love had four legs and fur, would you try to pet it, chase it, or serve it up as chicken lo… — Jarod Kintz Chopsticks Copy Share Image
“Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for… — Jarod Kintz Moon Copy Share Image
“From afar they looked like sexy legs, until I got closer and saw they belonged to a man, not an Amanda.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Clones: Why should you take the blame for your mistakes when there’s a genetic replica of yourself that’d make a perfectly good… — Jarod Kintz Scapegoat Copy Share Image
“If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can’t kill on sight alone. It’s the same with love. Some… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“You can’t write with dry ink. Likewise, using another author’s dried words to make your writing more fluid is not only dishonest,… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Call me paranoid, but the shape the human hand makes when extending out for a handshake looks suspiciously like a karate chop.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a miner, and I’m always dirty, because I’m constantly digging. Am I shoveling for gold? Hardly. I’m unearthing this hearty land… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think we should change the amount of time in each day. Sunday thru Friday should be reduced from 24 hours down… — Jarod Kintz Friday Copy Share Image
“The shirt I have on today is the color of a banana, and tomorrow’s shirt will also be the color of a… — Jarod Kintz Tomorrow Copy Share Image
“Order for Jarod,” she said as I walked over to pick it up. This was it, this was my moment. Rebecca has… — Jarod Kintz Smile Copy Share Image
“I’m an artist. I’m a cave painter. Archaeologists and art critics of the future are going to call me a genius. They’re… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“When I wear my confessional glove it’s super tempting to give myself a velvet handjob.” — Jarod Kintz Confessional Copy Share Image
“I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.” — Jarod Kintz Bible Copy Share Image
“A brick could be cast in Samuel Jackson roles. It would be cheaper and more dramatic. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At the gun range I can’t hit the paper bull’s eye, no matter how carefully I aim at my wife.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I’m thinking about becoming a farmer and a fisherman—a hunter of swimming plants.” — Jarod Kintz Farmer Copy Share Image
“Courage is the chiaroscuro of characteristics. By that I mean I don’t know what I mean.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m just barely scratching the surface. And that surface is broth, so why is the soup itchy?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am who I pretend to be, and right now I’m pretending to be my own clone.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Life is made up of now, and the past and the future are nothing more than inedible garnishes.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Yesterday I complained of chest pains. My cat scratched my nipples.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
