“If your TV is broken, don’t get a new one—get a new hobby: reading.” — Jarod Kintz Hobby Copy Share Image
“She walked by and I said, Nice shirt. What I really meant was, Nice tits.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve decided to cut back on my sugar intake by applying it externally, as a dermal abrasion.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“A tie is like an arrow pointing to my crotch. A tie is also like an even score.” — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“If my initials were Y.E.S., I’d probably go around smiling all the time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My favorite snack is vagina. The only thing I hate is unwrapping all that saran wrap.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your fate is like a new jar of peanut butter. It may be sealed, but you can choose whether it is smooth… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Why go to remote parts of the world? If they’re remote, just turn them on and watch them on your couch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Habits define who we are from the outside in, more than who we are defines us from the inside out.” — Jarod Kintz Habits Copy Share Image
“Despite marking the spot, Generation X has no treasure. How could they, when I dug it up first?” — Jarod Kintz Generation Copy Share Image
“A shopping cart flipped upside down forms a cage that I use to protect myself from consumerism.” — Jarod Kintz Cage Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to represent society as a whole. But to represent society as a half, I’d recommend using either… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Aside from the fact that you’re not my son, and I’m not a woman, do you think I’m a good mother?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The proof is in the putting. But it’s sexier to be taking off (just don’t take off without me).” — Jarod Kintz Golf Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You told me you loved me, and then you stabbed me with a spoon. Luckily, moments… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“I’m world famous. Throughout the globe—north, south, east, and west—there are literally four people who know my name. It’s great to have… — Jarod Kintz Around the world Copy Share Image
“I want to be a politician because I like the idea of public service. Come on, who wouldn’t want all the people… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to show support for your favorite team. They want to crush their opponents, and if you’ve got… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Money is a chameleon. It can transform itself into any representation. Sometimes money looks like a pile of cheeseburgers, and other times… — Jarod Kintz Chameleon Copy Share Image
“I would give you my grandma’s slow-knitted Duck Soup dance-routine recipe, but my grandpa sold it to Roger Bannister for three minutes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The rumor is that my cousin dates phoenix sculptures made out of cheese. It has to be true, because it's too weird… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I snagged a good parking spot. I also snagged my sweater in the process.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.” — Jarod Kintz Loneliness Copy Share Image
“Silence is golden, and gold is up these days, so silence is a solid investment.” — Jarod Kintz Gold Copy Share Image
“I’d rather fall in molten lava than fall in love. But I suppose that’s just the romantic me.” — Jarod Kintz Fall in love Copy Share Image
“I’ll make Chad to you. By that I mean I’ll leave late and come early.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I feel like my old self. Especially since I feel like I’m developing dementia.” — Jarod Kintz Old self Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to satisfy your hunger—and satisfy my curiosity. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a forward thinker with nostalgia. I dream of the past, and daydream of the future.” — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I want to make pants out of tuna fish, to accompany my cottage cheese thighs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Black holes are darker than magic markers, but not as black as my mood.” — Jarod Kintz Black hole Copy Share Image
“I like my job, because while I’m at work I get paid to look for other jobs. ” — Jarod Kintz Career Copy Share Image
“When your action is gone, and all that’s left is motionlessness, I’ll be there, whistling.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
