“It’s not yummy gum if there’s no bubble. Just ask the Federal Reserve.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like a balloon, and fortunately, my lover is a blow up doll.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Global warming is so serious that I’d advise you to not wear panties.” — Jarod Kintz Climate Copy Share Image
“It seems like I never have any time. I should have never stopped being a watch salesman.” — Jarod Kintz Salesman Copy Share Image
“You know what’s not funny? Funny bones. No, at best they are only mildly amusing.” — Jarod Kintz Amusing Copy Share Image
“I like eye contact, but please don’t blink when my eyeballs are touching yours.” — Jarod Kintz Eye contact Copy Share Image
“I want to create moonglasses, and then write a song called, "I Wear My Moonglasses at Noon." Hopefully, with a little lunar… — Jarod Kintz Song Copy Share Image
“You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my skull were made of glass, I wouldn’t want you to see my thoughts, so I’d fear going bald.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I carry all of my childhood memories in my mind. But maybe that’s not the best place for them. Well, you’ve got… — Jarod Kintz Childhood memories Copy Share Image
“The difference between noon and midnight is the same as the separation between sex and masturbation. Sexually, you can find me at… — Jarod Kintz Midnight Copy Share Image
The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn't around to propose to her. — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I should be a coach, because when my players win, I win. But when my players lose, what a bunch of losers… — Jarod Kintz Coach Copy Share Image
“I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your… — Jarod Kintz Astronaut Copy Share Image
“Online social networking allows a small fish in a small pond to become bigger than a big fish in a big pond—without… — Jarod Kintz Big fish Copy Share Image
“An award winner recommended and commended someone’s work, and that someone later endorsed my work, so it’s like I’m an award winner… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m so shy that if you played “Guess The Mannequin” with me and two mannequins, you’d pick me, because I’m the quiet… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“She called and said she had to cancel tomorrow. “Cancel tomorrow!” I shrieked. “Does that make today the last day, or at… — Jarod Kintz Last day Copy Share Image
“You know cats, always scratching on this or that, but never scratching what you want when you want it. (Like my balls,… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“What the government makes to make money is money. They make money by making money—literally printing it. While the private sector has… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to instill patience in a pupil. Not a pupil as in part of an iris, but a… — Jarod Kintz Every night Copy Share Image
“I got a call back on a job query from a week ago. It’s for a front desk position at a luxury… — Jarod Kintz Front desk Copy Share Image
“I wore a suit to the interview—a bathing suit. I didn’t get the job as a lifeguard.” — Jarod Kintz Bathing suit Copy Share Image
“She doesn’t return my phone calls. I’d like them back, unopened.” — Jarod Kintz Phone calls Copy Share Image
“I’ve had 24 girlfriends in my life, and all of them occurred in the same two-day evening.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The atmosphere is always very grave when I walk into a cemetery.” — Jarod Kintz Cemetery Copy Share Image
“I could tell she was into discipline by her collection of whips and chains.” — Jarod Kintz Discipline Copy Share Image
“A peaceful wave came over me, and I thought, Thank God I’m holding my breath.” — Jarod Kintz Breath Copy Share Image
“Leadership is being the first to put others second. Wait, that’s not right. That’s politics.” — Jarod Kintz Leader Copy Share Image
“I like making money. I make it out of wood. I make nickels mostly.” — Jarod Kintz Making money Copy Share Image
“Right now I have a milk mustache. I grew it on a cattle ranch, and then glued it to my face.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“Sit in a small chair. It’s easier to have people to look up to this way.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made love in a HAZMAT suit. I think I contaminated the relationship.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I often wonder how far I’d go for love. I guess it all depends on the price of gas. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My cat’s name is Mr. Dog, and My penis’ name is Mr. Beaver. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make sleep like I make love, only with more energy and excitement.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
