“Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.” — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“After we made love, I didn’t want her to leave. At least not before she did the dishes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I never hit below the belt, especially if that belt is the rust belt and I’m in Texas.” — Jarod Kintz Texas Copy Share Image
“A one dollar bill, though it weighs less than 99 pennies, is psychologically heavier.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the Love Camel of Llama Land. Come, hop on my hump and let me lead you to water.” — Jarod Kintz Camel Copy Share Image
“Somebody tell Uncle Sam the ultimate stimulus package is a bottle of Viagra.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I get on the elevator on the ground floor, the building has no basement, and someone says, Going up? I like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dialogue between two characters, each of them different forms of karate, might be a bit choppy.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Hellos are ascending in speed, not slowing down like goodbyes. I may say hi as I swerve my car to greet you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to water down the water. Don’t do it now! Wait until I am finished bathing. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a child’s game to improve memory. I forgot how exactly, but then I never played much.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best thing to do with a seven-year-old is wait until they’re eight to tell them to wait until they’re 18 to… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I drink or how many concussions… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My penis is seven. Not years old or even inches. No, my genitalia is the prime number seven. Isn’t that odd?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be wrapped in plastic and sold individually to toddlers as toys. (Warning: Bricks can be harmful if swallowed. If… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to write a book called, "Bonfires and Bras," which follows around a young, braless feminist who struggles to adopt in… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“There is no other furniture in the room. However, in the center of the room, the floor steps down and a four-foot… — Jarod Kintz Globe Copy Share Image
“Looking at you in a mirror makes you more of an ally than an opponent, because I’m standing next to you, rather… — Jarod Kintz Ally Copy Share Image
“Herman is not her man. But neither am I, and I love her more than any man besides Herman. But she doesn’t… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A tongue, if used the wrong way, can cause serious injury or even death. Politicians are famous for misusing their tongues this… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to save your marriage. If only your spouse is invited under your blanket, then each party feels… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My mother always told me not to pick my nose, so I’m going let the plastic surgeon decide what my new nose… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to be able to Foxtrot, without actually getting fur on my clothes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I sent a message silently, through body language and body odor.” — Jarod Kintz Body language Copy Share Image
“I make love like I make lasagna. Makes me hungry just thinking about it.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I planted a plant in the midst of spies, who were disguised as farmers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have three sets of humor. One I keep in a bag of salt, because it’s the dry one. ” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“I trust politicians to do what’s right. For themselves. ” — Jarod Kintz Politicians Copy Share Image
“Sometimes love feels thinner, even though it’s the same width as before.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I serve the people. Am I a politician? No, I’m just a greedy and corrupt waiter.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The leftover remains of a human brainstorm might make tasty soup” — Jarod Kintz Brainstorm Copy Share Image
“The greatest thing in the world is love. But the worst isn’t hate, it’s ignoringance.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I own a few yawns that I rent out to people who are tired of the sleazy snooze salesman.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t know what’s in the box, but I love it. Unopened gifts contain hope. ” — Jarod Kintz Hope Copy Share Image
“I let go of her memory the moment I let go of her hand. She fell over 500 feet to her death.” — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
