“I like mirrors as much as the next guy, except if the next guy is my clone.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I make art like I make love—slowly, so I get the most for my money.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup.” — Jarod Kintz Alphabet soup Copy Share Image
“Wrapped inside one is love. Wrapped inside another is hate. What do you think is wrapped inside the third? If you answered… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to dink like a dunk, if the thunk of the think has enough verticalocity to it. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll get a gift for you, but I’ll give it to someone else to give to you, so that it’s like I’m… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I wish I had been born with cat fur, whiskers, and a tail, though I guess I am grateful that at… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache,… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“They say a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm. And you can’t fake a sneeze. Maybe that’s why I like sneezing into… — Jarod KIntz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I feel I’m just doing a poor impression of a person. Maybe I feel this way because I have no money.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes it’s not about selling my handmade crafts. Sometimes it’s about giving myself handjobs and calling the product “arts and crafts.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it’ll be easier for you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to keep a level head. I don’t mean remaining rational, I mean literally, keep your head still… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to say hello to a friend I haven’t spoken to in forever. Forever is a long time,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made you a logo. It’s supposed to represent you as a person, and that’s why it looks like an asshole. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I give automated responses to people without even listening to what they say. For example, someone might tell me, “Enjoy the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My facial expression must have looked like a swarm of bees as I drank the hot brown liquid. Whatever it was, it… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I’m very careful with political statements. When I bash the Republicans, I know I’ll piss off about half the people. That’s why… — Jarod Kintz Democracy Copy Share Image
“When I feel sad, I try to think of someone else in the world who is suffering worse than me. Like someone… — Jarod Kintz Every morning Copy Share Image
“You could get 50% wrong and you’d still get 50% right. That’s nearly half!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She tried to steal the desert. She’s guilty. Look no farther than her camel toe.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Would a suit of armor make women feel as invincible as a sexy pair of shoes?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as food for thought. Every politician should chew on that. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like love. But not my love, because my love is more like a blanket. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When you see my skill with a brick, you’ll think I’m skilled under the blanket. But I’m not. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A lifestyle of deception is hard to keep up if your clones aren’t willing to participate.” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“Mr. Pullum is a dick, and if he were two dicks, he’d like to pullum both.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like cardboard. Of course, I have to be in the mood to eat Pizza Hut.” — Jarod Kintz Cardboard Copy Share Image
“I am the world’s greatest American. I narrowly beat out all of China for the title.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Habits are patterns, and even the smallest ones tell a lot about who you are as a person.” — Jarod Kintz Habits Copy Share Image
“If you ask me if I know how to speak Latin, I’ll say, “No, it’s all Greek to me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
