“I have three step brothers and one step sister. It’s like a staircase, and I am the slinky.” — Jarod Kintz Brother Copy Share Image
“The water trapped in my window makes it like an aquarium—which makes me the fish.” — Jarod Kintz Aquarium Copy Share Image
“I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I murdered all my staff. I’m terribly sorry. I thought they were someone else (my wife).” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I always misspell the word “unique,” just to keep it youneeq.” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I like to feel like just one of the guys. Especially when I hang out with the girls.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went to the priest for confession, but he didn’t do it.” — Jarod Kintz Confession Copy Share Image
“Together kabobs make the world better than all the Bobs combined.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I am Fried Quiero Loud Babcock (not bad cock), and I am here for the ranch dressing your father promised my father,… — Jarod Kintz Parenting Copy Share Image
“I called, but the phones were all tied up. And so were the operators who normally answer them. Some were even gagged… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is a one foot by one foot piece of cloth a blanket? What about if you rotate it all over your body… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s still masturbation if your clone gives you a hand job. It’s also a lot like being a member of Congress.” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“If you’re getting up to cross the Sahara, I could sure go for a bottle of water. My thirst to love you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hate when people say primitive people didn’t even have running water. What do they call rivers?” — Jarod Kintz Primitive Copy Share Image
“My heart is closed, but open. Closed to one woman in particular, but open to the public. Guided tours are offered Monday… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only reason I’m pushing an empty wheelbarrow is because it’s easier than pulling it. Let this be a lesson in networking.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans… — Jarod Kintz American people Copy Share Image
“Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Because I’m emotionally immature, I’d prefer letting go of you early and always remembering you as you were, rather than hanging on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t like it when I have guests over and my girlfriend doesn’t wear pants and makes sock puppets with stinky socks… — Jarod Kintz Girlfriend Copy Share Image
“It reminds me of something Zelda told her friend about me when she didn’t think I was listening: “I wish he had… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“I crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it in the garbage. Then I quickly snatched it out, because hell, I’d… — Jarod Kintz Architecture Copy Share Image
“Cats have the curiosity of a genius, while dogs have the intellect of a sack of manure covered in hair and mulch… — Jarod Kintz Best friend Copy Share Image
“If you expect others to think for you, then you expect others to live your life for you. And I’m sorry, but… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“The only place I didn’t sweep was under her dress. But that’s what the dishwasher is for.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Spain is 4/5ths pain and 1/5th S. I drank that fifth, and I loved S.” — Jarod Kintz Wine Copy Share Image
“I keep my fears chained up in the basement, along with a few of my foes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Charity can be a good thing. But the only cause I’ll support is because. Don’t ask me why.” — Jarod Kintz Charity Copy Share Image
“I keep my socks in a filing cabinet, if that tells you what kind of lover I am.” — Jarod Kintz Filing cabinet Copy Share Image
“I’ll grab my crotch at you. It’s a greeting, like hello, only more provocative and inviting.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ever since I was fired for sleeping on the job I’ve worn a shirt and tie to bed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can’t be the best all the time. But that’s what clones are for—to be you while you sleep.” — Jarod Kintz Best time Copy Share Image
“I postulate that there is something stickier than semen. That substance is love.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I was going to change my clothes, but I changed my mind instead.” — Jarod Kintz Change Copy Share Image
“The perfect vehicle to take to the moon would be a two-door Saturn with a sunroof.” — Jarod Kintz Space Copy Share Image
