“I got my nails done today. I’m so glad that after 30 years, they’re finally finished.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Don’t search for a void to fill. Find a vacuum to carpet. Let this be a lesson in love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make ridiculous like I make damn sure nobody sees me while I’m making it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my life’s work could fit on a stamp, I’d want you to lick it before I die.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I sneezed into the wind, and closed my eyes and imagined my face was barraged by cool ocean spray.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A part-time worker is fully employed, half the time. In other words, they are part-time unemployees.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an… — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“If I had a hand for a penis, would a hand job be appropriate in place of a handshake at business meetings? ” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I still remember my middle school locker combination. Maybe I should go back to my old locker to see if I left… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For being so ugly, I think God should reward me handsomely. He should give me the tender hands of a lover—and not… — Jarod Kintz God Copy Share Image
“The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were deaf, I’d wear loud clothing. My clothes would also be covered in coffee stains, because Helen Keller is my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At my ten-year high school reunion, I was voted best looking. Of course, there were two people in my high school, and… — Jarod Kintz Graduating class Copy Share Image
“I always keep a spare set of keys in a spare set of pants that are folded up and stuffed in my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be shared with someone cold. And if you’re sharing your blanket, they might as well share the blame in… — Jarod Kintz Getting Pregnant Copy Share Image
“If I converted an old bubble gum machine into a Love Dispenser, and charged a quarter for some love, then people probably… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Sounds great! When I’m taking a pill to pop a stiffy, how… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“Two one-armed people might seem perfect for each other, but what if they’re both missing the same arm? Then even something simple… — Jarod Kintz Couple Copy Share Image
“Everywhere I go I'm too focused on everyone else to realize that they are too focused on themselves. And by everyone else… — Jarod Kintz Focus Copy Share Image
“I often find myself in a room full of strangers, and very often it’s a tough crowd. But I’m a master networker,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Never spontaneously combust alone, or without a bag of marshmallows nearby.” — Jarod Kintz Marshmallows Copy Share Image
“Obese people have really begun to eat up a lot of my free time. That’s the skinny on my life.” — Jarod Kintz Free time Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used in surgery. But personally, I’d rather use a surgeon. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My job is so boring I’m thinking of boring a second hole into my penis.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I drink sleep, but not like I drink coffee. I chug one and sip the other.” — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“My penis’ name is Pride. Pride is something every woman should be filled with.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Growing up, I went through an awkward stage. It lasted from birth to last Tuesday.” — Jarod Kintz Birth Copy Share Image
“When I didn’t know him I punched him in the face. The best part about him is his nose.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Somebody needs to pet me, and I guess that somebody is me. My cat is busy sleeping.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“After I go to the bathroom, I leave my hands wet as proof I washed them.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I is not only a letter, I is me. So in that respect, I guess I am a simple guy.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She asked me if I wanted to have sex, and I replied, “With you, or in general?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
