“People don’t know I have a checkered past. I used to be a picnic table cloth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think? — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I should create a TV show called 61 Minutes. It’ll be like 60 Minutes—only more.” — Jarod Kintz Television Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed on a conveyer belt. It will revolutionize the construction industry! ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One brick could be used to do the work of two men, if both men are dead. In this case, a blanket… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God.… — Jarod Kintz God Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used in exciting medical advancements, curing everything from shivers to tonitrophobia. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For your birthday, I got you a box. Hooray! It’s empty, so you can fill it with whatever you want.” — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I started writing to get women, or rather a particular woman, and I continue writing because it’s now a compulsion.” — Jarod Kintz Compulsion Copy Share Image
“I respect a man not for the clothes he wears, but for the clothes he doesn’t wear. Yes, nudity is an admirable… — Jarod Kintz Nudity Copy Share Image
“I think a funny picture would have a caption that read, “Believe in yourself,” with an accompanying image of a wilting flower.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m glad I don’t have any foreskin, because at a nude beach I’d feel overdressed. (It’d be the only time I could… — Jarod Kintz Overdressed Copy Share Image
“If I woke up naked in bed with a strange British woman, my first thought would be, “How’d I get in England?”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“So I enrolled at the University of North Florida, which, as you can imagine, is in north Florida. That’s about all I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I’ll be walking along, thinking, and I’ll kick up some dust and I’ll say, Whoa! That makes sense, and I’ll have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Both sexes have assholes, and both sexes have nipples. Yet only asshole is a genderless derogatory term. In the name of equality… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How do you run with confidence and insulation?” Orafoura asked me. ”I don’t know,” I replied, “asbestos you can.” “No,” he replied.… — Jarod Kintz Confidence Copy Share Image
“I rearranged the letters of the word “neologism” to make the word neologism itself a neologism, as well as an anagram. The… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Arlington National cemetery is huge! But that’s not surprising, because DC is the world’s largest graveyard of good ideas and intentions. Politicians… — Jarod Kintz Good ideas Copy Share Image
“I’d rather be the fastest runner than the best fighter. But then I am a supreme coward.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Helen Keller, and so are all my senses. Now that is complete nonsense!” — Jarod Kintz Nonsense Copy Share Image
“When I talk about love, people listen. And when I listen about love, people talk.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics. ” — Jarod Kintz Dirt Copy Share Image
Its what you do in your free time that will set you freeor enslave you.¨ — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your deodorant smells like my armpit. And yet I get no royalty from the manufacturer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you catch me talking in my sleep, your conversation bored me.” — Jarod Kintz Bored Copy Share Image
“I’m a tiger made out of a paper towel, and I’m going to wipe you out.” — Jarod Kintz Tiger Copy Share Image
“To me, life is sad, like a piano with no pedals being played by a person with no fingers. ” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Like a river, I’m going to meander through the party. Will you be my canoe? ” — Jarod Kintz River Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue. ” — Jarod Kintz Sandpaper Copy Share Image
