“Do not stick your dick in your car’s exhaust pipe. Instead, fuck your neighbor’s motorcycle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If something earthly reminds you of something ethereal, then it must be love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My subconscious is like the ocean, only deeper and less polluted.” — Jarod Kintz Ocean Copy Share Image
“I fill my life with speech, but not with people who are truly listening.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Do you find it erotic how my pants bulge in the crotch, where I keep my coffee cup?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I’d order take out.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“Like a vibrator bolted on a bulldozer, I’m a regular sex machine.” — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“Here's a haiku/palindrome I wrote called, "Obsession." Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,… — Jarod Kintz Haiku Copy Share Image
“I’d never own a Hooters, because while I may be the face of the franchise, people only ever look at the breasts.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Good friends are like appendages. It's painful to lose one, and crippling to lose two or more.” — Jarod Kintz Friend Copy Share Image
“I watch basketball like I watch baseball: I don’t. I’d much rather watch grass grow. Actually, golf isn’t that bad.” — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“The clouds rolled over the hills like a pack of midgets wearing gray togas somersaulting in unison, and I thought it’s a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket isn’t the solution, a blanket is the problem. I say we burn all the blankets, along with the bodies of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I booked a table for two at a five-star restaurant. Rebecca couldn’t make it, because at the last minute I backed out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The problem with Marxism is the proletariat isn’t going to rise up against capitalism and consumerism. The only time they’ll rise up… — Jarod Kintz Marxism Copy Share Image
“I want to make a coffee table that consists of a slab of wood supported by four crutches. That way, if a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I was a little boy, say 17 months old, I lived in the forest. I was raised by bears. We had… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You’d never been in an elevator before, and I’d never been in love. I said I… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to help you remember. You’re probably tempted to ask, “Remember what?” And that’s precisely my point—you can’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nobody is either honest or dishonest. Life is a gradient, and a saint might be an 8.7, and a dirtbag politician might… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to separate the winners from the losers. With the exception of me, all men are losers, and… — Jarod Kintz Losers Copy Share Image
“When I think about my clone, random songs pop into my head. Songs like, “Happy Birthday.” Will he celebrate the same birthday… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“I didn’t want to go, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to be invited.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it.” — Jarod Kintz God Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to stop a war, particularly if that war is a Cold War. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I first heard merry-go-round, I thought, “Does she? I didn’t know Mary was a slut.” — Jarod Kintz Merry Copy Share Image
“I got your love out of the umbrella cabinet. I hope you weren’t saving it for a rainy day.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’m in a biker gang. We deal in drugs. Our chapter president is Lance Armstrong.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Women love to talk. I'll bet Van Gogh had a woman. And I'll bet she talked his ear off.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As a storyteller, I appreciate a great tale. As a cat lover, I appreciate a great tail.” — Jarod Kintz Cat love Copy Share Image
“Who’d cum first, you or your clone? To find out, why don’t you go fuck yourself?” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make you laugh, and a joke could be used to keep you warm inside. ” — Jarod Kintz Laugh Copy Share Image
“I am my own tornado. Instead of panicking, I run in circles and scream.” — Jarod Kintz Tornado Copy Share Image
“A preacher’s job is preaching. So how come he gets to work on the day of rest?” — Jarod Kintz Day of rest Copy Share Image
“I own my own shoelaces, but my shoes I rent by the bowling game.” — Jarod Kintz Bowling Copy Share Image
