“At the end of the day, people go to sleep. Let’s also put the cliché “At the end of the day” to… — Jarod Kintz End of the day Copy Share Image
“There’s a traffic jam in the stream. I’d better go fish up a solution. Too bad I left my tackle box at… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“My mother-in-law got so angry at me she vowed she’d never speak to me again, and I smiled and gave thanks for… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The beautiful part about killing someone with an icicle is the murder weapon melts and then evaporates. And your assassination can be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bah, Alzheimer’s. Grandma wouldn’t be so forgetful if she didn’t always have dick on her mind.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you were to ask me what’s under my bed, I’d tell you shoes. They’re brown, and they’re still attached to the… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“People complain the president does nothing. I say stop complaining! Think how destructive he’d be if he actually tried to do something.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“#Networking is people looking for people looking for people. As for me, I’m more of a birdwatcher.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes when I read before bed I get so tired that my eyes gloss over the sentences without actually taking in any… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I have aspirations of becoming the first man to put on a chicken suit, cross the road, and then explain my motives… — Jarod Kintz Aspirations Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing more important than literary merit, and that’s why I not only created an award—the Julius Caesar Author of the Year… — Jarod Kintz Federal reserve Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stall for time when the police are searching your place looking for a missing person. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish somebody would combine tasers and dildos, and test the devices out on all the politicians in Washington DC. Well, all… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“When I see a poor person I think of me, and then I think, maybe I should pay my clones for all… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I often laugh at a dog that chases its own tail. But aren’t there some people out there who spend a lot… — Jarod Kintz Animal Copy Share Image
“A car’s gas tank should be see-through, so I don’t have to rely on a possibly faulty gauge to tell me it’s… — Jarod Kintz Human heart Copy Share Image
“A tailor walks into a lawyer, and the bar says, "I like your suit." And the tailor replies, "This morning I spotted… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“It was a blustery winter night, back in the summer of 2009. That’s when we met, and that’s when I knew it… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll be 30 in March, and it feels just like yesterday that I thought tomorrow will soon be today.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am going to think of you every time I don't have sex. So that'll mean I'll always be thinking of you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He had a ten-gallon hat that hid a twenty-gallon fish tank inside his translucent forehead. He had fish for brains, as do… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“If you go out on a limb, I’ll be right behind you. Not to have your back, but to cut off your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container.… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“Back in high school, I started a gang called “The Illiterates.” To easily identify fellow gang members, we all wore letterman jackets.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Tickets are 40 bucks at the window, and 190 bucks if you actually go through the window to get them.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Even though I knew she needed to get something off her chest, I was hoping it wasn’t her big, beautiful breasts.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to tell the world’s largest Yes what you really want to tell it, which is no. Tell… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Walking on the beach like a ventriloquist, I’ll make it sound like the ocean is calling out to you—through a conch shell.” — Jarod Kintz Ocean Copy Share Image
“When I make love, I make a difference in at least one person’s life. (Limit one per purchase.)” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to crush the Fruit of Desire and make the Juice of Destiny. Drink it before I lose… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not in the City of Love, but I am in love. That’s why I look like I’m crazy, because being crazy… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be surgically inserted in the chest of a man who needs a heart transplant. And for just $20,000 more… — Jarod Kintz Heart transplant Copy Share Image
“I gave my girlfriend a gallon of my semen and a minivan and told her to fill it up with kids. Big… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Please don’t step on my penis. And pick it up off the floor if you see it’s fallen out of my pocket.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a great customer. I’m not a loyal customer, but that’s what makes me great—my willingness to shop other brands for… — Jarod Kintz Customer Copy Share Image
“If you’re going to do something dumb, do it in a smart way. This is my advice for falling in love.” — Jarod Kintz Falling in love Copy Share Image
“It’s times like these I wish I had a watch. It’d also be nice if it was broken. That would let me… — Jarod Kintz Best time Copy Share Image
“Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
