“If I were to be elected World Leader someday, I’d wear an outfit made of Band-Aids, as a symbolic gesture of sticking… — Jarod Kintz Leadership Copy Share Image
“I’ll only date a girl if she has a lot of class. And if she is 18, I don’t care if that’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many midget feet can you fit in your shoes? Depends on how big your penis is. Mine is 17 syllables long,… — Jarod Kintz Haiku Copy Share Image
“When I saw a murder taking place, I almost didn’t have time to make coffee before stopping it. But thank God I… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“If somebody’s a jerk and says something nasty, be a bigger jerk and say something kind and walk away.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A tie is a win for more than one person. But a tie is also a loss equally shared by two or… — Jarod Kintz Football Copy Share Image
“It’s not lit, it’s literature. Lit is something a book can be, after you’ve decided to burn it. (I suggest you start… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“If a man is choking to death on a bite of steak, there is really only one thing to do—finish eating his… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I killed a man for his shoes, and then I realized his feet were much smaller than mine. So I walked around… — Jarod Kintz Barefoot Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how… — Jarod Kintz Motivation Copy Share Image
“Everybody who is 100 was at one time 25. But not everybody who is 25 will live to see 100. Likewise, everyone… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: Would you rather be the first female U.S. President, the first woman to walk on the moon, or… — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“Too bad my car key won’t start my house. And to answer your unasked question, no you can’t use my toaster like… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“At the beginning of their return trip home, fishermen might label their fish with a simple fish line drawing. But once that… — Jarod Kintz Fish Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as Concealment Revealer. It both conceals and reveals, like great dialogue. Here’s some great dialogue I wrote… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“There were two chairs, but there were three of us. So, being the gentleman I am, I got down on the ground… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If our limbic system betrays our true intentions, and it’s beyond our conscious control, then only a fool would consider lying a… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I need your compliments to feed my ego, because it’s bored of mac and cheese. And honestly, so am I.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yeah, I toss trash out of my car onto the road. But I do it for the good of the economy, because… — Jarod Kintz Littering Copy Share Image
“As a man, I have a strong constitution. But as a document, I’m no Constitution of the United States—as I’m quite a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t think he’s dumber than a politician. But only because it’s not possible to be dumber than a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Politician Copy Share Image
“When I visit England, I want to bring back the best souvenir an American can get: a British accent.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to keep politics out of my breakfast. Politics isn’t something I want in my eggs, no matter how scrambled I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Turn the fan off when I’m talking. It not only makes my words colder, but it distorts and dilutes what I’m saying.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Of course, if I had misbehaved that day, my dinner was a salad made entirely out of iceberg lettuce, with water on… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most of the time, I feel like Phelps. At least when I’m not winning Olympic gold medals, which is an all the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Day or night, I can’t see the wind. But at night, it feels like I can see it even less. What’s less… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A great way to steal other people’s stuff is to build a vault and have them voluntarily store their own stuff there.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is patient and love is kind. Damn! Why’d it have to be the two qualities I wasn’t born with?” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The fields of science are full of crop circles that can't yet be explained by scientific means.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If your toaster isn’t working, stick your sword in the bread slot, and see if that doesn’t improve its behavior.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“You haven’t lived until you’ve wiped your ass with a pile of sand. Toilet paper doesn’t measure eternity the way the sands… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Growing up, the only class I didn’t doodle in was Art class, because there I’d get to spend the whole time drawing.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Just got done giving my cat a haircut and eating dinner. The two events are unrelated, though I might cough up a… — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“Life is about having an attitude of gratitude. And grabitude. Seriously, you’ve got to take stuff. What, do you think someone’s just… — Jarod Kintz Attitude Copy Share Image
“I think I speak for all the mutes when I say, “Silence is equality.” I’m sure the deaf would agree too.” — Jarod Kintz Equality Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If Ted Kennedy made it to heaven, do you think he’s pleased with the fact that Jesus can… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
