Best Henny Youngman Sayings
- When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Alcohol
- A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one… Chicken
- I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. Anniversary
- How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' Crazy
- Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. Airport
- My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. Alcohol
- I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. Beat
- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. Bachelors
- When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. Afford
- This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! Dog
- My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! All
- The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. Bet
- She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. Been
- There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. All
- My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? Bad
- This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. Chicago
- A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. Another Six
- My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. Brother
- My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. Army
- Take my wife... Please! Inspirational
- I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I… Afraid
- If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. Dope
- Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. Die
- Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. Drink
- You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. Inspirational
More Ways to Read Henny Youngman Quotes
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