Henny Youngman Quotes

94 quotes in 1032 categories

• What is a home without children? Quiet.
• The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean…
• The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
• What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
• Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did
• My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
• I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
• In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
• My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.
• I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
• I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
• When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.
• A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
• Old teachers never die, they just grade away.
• He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.
• I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In…
• We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
• My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
• The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner....
• Let's get up here before we get killed!

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