Best Henny Youngman Quotes
- On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls? Ballet
- Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please. Academy
- There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate. Aspiration
- I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. Bought
- I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker. Broker
- I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected. Elected
- Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside. Animal
- You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. Cemetery
- If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked? Driving
- Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television? Families
- The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The… Asks
- Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop. Anybody
- I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward. Account
- I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions. Giving
- My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. Bought
- My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree. Bananas
- If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Funny
- The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Funny
- Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little… Affection
- Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner,… Anniversary
- I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. Atheism
- I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. Broke
- I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. All
- You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. Human
- While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. Balls
More Ways to Read Henny Youngman Quotes
- Best Henny Youngman Sayings (Henny Youngman Quotes)
- Best Henny Youngman Quotations (Henny Youngman Quotes)