Emo Philips

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

— Emo Philips

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long…

— Emo Philips

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving…

— Emo Philips

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they…

— Emo Philips

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many…

— Emo Philips

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

— Emo Philips

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

— Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

— Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

— Emo Philips

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

— Emo Philips

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

— Emo Philips

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

— Emo Philips

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and…

— Emo Philips

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave…

— Emo Philips

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

— Emo Philips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

— Emo Philips

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

— Emo Philips

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this…

— Emo Philips

“Some mornings it's just not worth it to chew through the leather straps.”

— Emo Philips

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

— Emo Philips

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

— Emo Philips

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

— Emo Philips

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He…

— Emo Philips

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

— Emo Philips

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

— Emo Philips