All Eddie Izzard Quotes
- Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun). Gun
- Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. OK, we can swing with that. But performance 'debilitating' drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint… Banned
- "I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?"… All
- No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea.… Anything Else
- There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it? Army
- I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it. Bit
- Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis… Comedy
- Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling. Both
- I am two lesbians in a man's body. Body
- There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD! Comedy
- Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even… Afternoon
- Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh ... well, until you killed them… All
- Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 gibberish. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You" Book
- And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way. Comedy
- Sharks are just evil bastards. I'm quite happy if all the sharks just went, because they eat fish and us. And we need the fish. All
- You’ve got to believe you can be a standup before you can be a standup. You have to believe you can act before you can… Act
- We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers. Been
- I just believe in the #‎ goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive. Believe
- If there were a god, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off? Flicked
- It's not a bloody piano, it's a clarenARt...you weird talking person. Bloody