Billy Connolly

I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I'm desperate to go back. They just take it…

— Billy Connolly

“Fuck the begrudgers”

— Billy Connolly

I just believe in the movie. I don't care what the book was like. I don't care what the previous film was…

— Billy Connolly

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

— Billy Connolly

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

— Billy Connolly

I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.

— Billy Connolly

I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's…

— Billy Connolly

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

— Billy Connolly

Never trust anybody with only one book.

— Billy Connolly

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.

— Billy Connolly

I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me…

— Billy Connolly

Braveheart is pure Australian shiteWilliam Wallace was a spy, a thief, a blackmailer - a c**t basically. And people are swallowing it.…

— Billy Connolly

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

— Billy Connolly

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

— Billy Connolly

Don't die until you're dead.

— Billy Connolly

I?m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America. . . . People…

— Billy Connolly

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.

— Billy Connolly

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out.…

— Billy Connolly

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?

— Billy Connolly

The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you're a zombie. And you're talking about politics…

— Billy Connolly

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

— Billy Connolly

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and…

— Billy Connolly

I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.

— Billy Connolly

I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the…

— Billy Connolly

I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes…

— Billy Connolly