Andy Borowitz

John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.

— Andy Borowitz

The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten…

— Andy Borowitz

Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.

— Andy Borowitz

“There is a fine line between social networking and wasting your fucking life.”

— Andy Borowitz

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.

— Andy Borowitz

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

— Andy Borowitz

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat…

— Andy Borowitz

Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.

— Andy Borowitz

We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.

— Andy Borowitz

A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.

— Andy Borowitz

“artisanal way — I'm given a hospital room,”

— Andy Borowitz

If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them

— Andy Borowitz

Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'

— Andy Borowitz

Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"

— Andy Borowitz

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

— Andy Borowitz

Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.

— Andy Borowitz

The separation of church and state has been a cornerstone of American democracy for over two hundred years. Getting rid of it…

— Andy Borowitz

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

— Andy Borowitz

All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.

— Andy Borowitz

Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.

— Andy Borowitz

NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.

— Andy Borowitz

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

— Andy Borowitz

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

— Andy Borowitz

To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.

— Andy Borowitz

Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.

— Andy Borowitz